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  1. about 5 hours ago on Henry Payne

    Remember the joke about casting for the OJ movie? John Elway was going to play the part of the slow, white Bronco.

  2. about 5 hours ago on Wizard of Id

    Imagine if we could install Canadians as heads-of-state in all countries. Instant world peace.

  3. about 5 hours ago on Shoe

    Remember the Allen and Rossi comedy team of the 60’s? During the height of the Secret Agant craze they did a bit.

    Rossi: “Who was the greatest secret agent of all time?”

    Allen: “Mozart.”

    Rossi: “Mozart? I didn’t know he was a secret agent.”

    Allen: “Shows how good he was.”

    As it turns out, Mozart really was a secret agent. An Italian king had had a piece of music composed for him that was supposed to be magnificent. But the piece was not allowed out of his kingdom. Travelers were searched to make sure they weren’t carrying a copy of the music out of the king’s realm.

    The Austrian emperor sent Mozart to bring the piece back to him. Mozart traveled to Italy, heard the composition twice, returned to Vienna, and wrote out the entire composition from memory.

    Eat your heart out, James Bond!

  4. about 5 hours ago on Pickles

    Tom Lehrer on math: “Base eight is just like base ten, really. If you’re missing two fingers.”

  5. about 5 hours ago on Non Sequitur

    Remember the Twilight Zone episode? Burgess Meredith has a wife who’s constantly nagging him. He gets fed up, murders her, is tried and executed. He finds himself back in his kitchen, and his wife is nagging worse than before.

    “What’s going on?” he asks.

    “For murdering me, you’ve been condemned to Hell,” she says.

    “Well at least there’s some comfort in knowing you’re in Hell too,” he says.

    “Being a scold is not a sin, and I really enjoyed nagging you. So I get to spend eternity doing it. This is heaven for me.”

  6. about 6 hours ago on FoxTrot Classics

    My wife’s from Malta, a small island country in the middle of the Med. They say there, “Summer in Malta is worse than hell. At least in hell you can jump into a pool of molten lava and cool off.”

    Now, truth be told, it’s no worse than a typical summer here on the Atlantic coast.

  7. about 21 hours ago on Jim Morin

    +10^100

  8. 1 day ago on Jim Morin

    +1

  9. 1 day ago on Jim Morin

    On the subject of pardons:

    My wife used to tell our kids she was a witch, and she knew when they lied because a star would appear on their foreheads that only she could see. She once asked our daughter if the girl had eaten her brother’s piece of pie. “NO!” she said as she covered her brow with her hand. “And don’t look at my forehead!”

  10. 1 day ago on Walt Handelsman

    At this point Trump says, “Where’s the dredge?”