Non Sequitur by Wiley Miller for May 30, 2023

He must be the Chairman of the Board. Time to fire the CEO with a $500 million buyout package.

Corporations have no empathy, conscience, ethics… When you see them behaving better it’s either coincidence or it’s because someone in charge is forcing it on the corp.

Golden parachute boy holds all the cards!

One time I had four ex wives altogether.

As one of my ex-girlfriends used to say, “What kind of a sissy word is fair?!” She went on to become a lawyer…

(The remaining dialog has been censored for family-friendly reasons)

“Ohana means family, and family means nobody gets left behind.”

I’ll bet the CEOs laughed when Lilo said that line.

His third ex-wife? Definitely the triumph of hope over experience … I’d be a bit afraid if I were a member of that board, taking THAT advice!

The handwriting is on the chart. Starting boxing up your stuff.

… And that’s when the trap doors opened under their chairs.

Do you mean all my @$$ kissing and sucking up were for nothing?

What’s left after 3 ex’s?

“He’ll never leave you nor forsake you,” said his 3rd wife.

Love you like a brother, but …no.

My third wife used to say a lot. That’s why she’s my third ex-wife!

Rule of Acquisition 211: Employees are the rungs on the ladder of success. Don’t hesitate to step on them.

A people person, on a rotating basis.

The outgoing CEO had some words of advice for his incoming successor: “When a crisis arises, and it will, I’ve prepared 3 numbered envelopes for you. I’ll leave them in this bottom drawer. Be sure to read them in order.”

A year later, sales were really bad, so the new CEO opened up Envelope #1. It contained a sheet of paper with a single sentence: “Blame everything on your predecessor.”

That seemed to placate everyone for awhile, but 2 years later, middle management was ravaged by feuds and resignations, so the boss opened up Envelope #2. It contained a sheet of paper with a single word: “Reorganize!”

And that worked for awhile as well, but after 3 years the company’s stock value had tanked and the shareholders were calling for the CEO’s head on a platter. Desperate, he opened up Envelope #3. It contained a sheet of paper that began with the advice: “Prepare 3 envelopes …”

“… time for another husband.” That’s what she said.

Just what did she say?

You have to be loyal to them, they don’t have to be loyal to you.

It looks like that buyout from Microsoft isn’t going to happen.

Corporations value loyalty when they see it, but things look very different on the other side of the relationship.

His family is dysfunctional and now, so is his business. At least, he listened to his third wife, unless he is going to disremember what she actually said.

Resistance is feudal.

Step 1: Lay off 20 to 25% of work force.

Step 2: Watch stock price magically rise.

Step 3: Time your stock cash-out with Step 2.

Step 4: Trigger your buy-out / force-out clause.

Step 5: Deploy golden parachute.

Step 6: Retired? Live happily ever after. Rehired elsewhere? Redeploy previous steps.

Step 7: Ignore bankruptcy filing by your previous corporation and the pilfering of corporate assets and employee pension funds by vulture capitalists / liquidators.

Now for him to choose who he’s going to blame for his failures and fire.

“Corporate loyalty” is an oxymoron.

Treat people nice on your way up, you will be meeting them on your way down.

His ex-wives all had the same first name: Plaintiff.

Check fhe profit graph. Is this board of Anheiser-Bush or Target?

Three ex-wives! Is that Trump?

She said, “You useless, greedy &%$$@* . You only care about yourself and your money!” And she was so right.

“Get those other two out of my bathroom!”