Non Sequitur by Wiley Miller for March 04, 2023

Business neighbor to Bob, concerning his failure to drum up business:

“You reap’d what, you sew-and sew?!”

He was trying to emulate Death-Santis!

Would he allow customers to try before they buy……

I may have used Bob’s shop a couple of months ago. I prearranged my own funeral, bought a lot, then dealt with the memorial stone. I had selected a picture I took more than forty years ago of my motorcycle high in the Colorado Rockies and chosen an inscription, The road goes ever on and on …, from Tolkien. I wanted the picture to cover the top half of the stone, the epitaph immediately below it, my name below that, and finally my birth date and a blank spot for my heath.

The first lay-up they sent for my approval had my name at the top, a very small picture and epitaph ……….. and the dates of my birth and death.

He said one word to me, and that was “Dead”.

I suspect this might actually be hit.

A lot of societies don’t think of commemoration of someone’s death as a sad situation, but something to rejoice in. They stand or sit around and tell happy stories of the departed’s life, and get off their faces, and sing the songs that the loved one liked. I rather like that idea. Of course Shakespeare wanted his characters (in Richard II) to “sit upon the ground and tell sad stories of the death of kings”; not that there’re too many monarchs around to tell stories about, nowadays. At least, not dead ’uns.

Two words to help your business, Bob: Wiley Bears. They have ways of bringing you clientele.

Nobody reads anymore.

The Grin Reaper?

Soon to be picketed by Reverend Billy and his Church of Stop Shopping.

I would Use them

It could be a black Friday sale.

“… put the fun back in funerals.”

There’s a reason we Irishmen cry at weddings but celebrate at wakes. We know when yer man’s better off.

There was a shop on the south side of Chicago,had a large sign painted on the side of the building-“B4 you go see Elmo. Tombstones made while you wait.” Had to laugh every time I saw it!

Sign on a mortuary grave prep truck Take your time. We can wait.

Any ideas how to put the FUN in a funeral? Just asking.

Not a good sign, Bob!

Come in! We know you’re dying to meet us.

“Well, that’s the last thing I’ll need.” — not sure who said it.

“CAN… YOU… DIGGGGGG IT!”

I knew someone who knew the exact day and hour of his death.

A judge told him.

Have your funeral while you’re still young enough to enjoy it.

He forgot the advertising has to appeal to the living.

Genius Idea! I’m going to have a few dozen ’’Let’s put the FUN back in Funerals’’ tee shirts made up and hand them out at my funeral.

Well, not actually hand them out, but, there’ll be a pile at the door, grab your size.

You’ll know what room I’m in, it’s the one with the Zydeco band.

Several days later Bob had an inspiration; DIY Cremation kits.

guess work is over

Abra cadaver Funeral home. We make your dead ones disappear!

I can think of a couple ad campaigns on television that might have used Bob as a consultant. It pays to get someone who really knows marketing and advertising.

Kinda gross here. . . .

The last funeral I went to was fun. She was a psychotic emotional and physical torturer and mutilator of her older son. When they asked him to speak he got up and played “Ding Dong the Witch is dead.” They let me play it all the way to the end.

His best customer is Liō.

BOGO promotions may have similar problems.

I would really like to be cast in resin and buried. At some point if we survive, I will be dug up and everyone will assume I must have been somebody . Stories will be told, papers will be written . One last practical joke.

Death is a reaper not sower. Psychopomp to take your soul to the Underworld mon.

Actually, I can see a few people with a sense of humor going for it.