Wizard of Id by Parker and Hart for December 05, 2020

The best part about speaking the truth… you don’t have to memorize a lie. So… in this case – Silence Is Golden. If not… beware of the brown! ;)

Your butt would look big whether there’s a dress on it or not. Famous last words to a wife who asks that question.

Nobody who asks that question really wants to hear the truth.

When will women learn NEVER to ask their husbands/boyfriends that particular question? Any man with half a functioning brain cell knows that it’s an inescapable death trap!

But what if Wiz likes big butts?

How in the heck can the nurse see?? a “Beetle Bailey” wanna be?

Hope the wand doesn’t fire in his rear, when they try to remove it.

In the words of the immortal Mon Calimari “It’s a Trap!”

Wiz your posture needed some help. Now you will keep your back straight. At least till the Physician Assistant will see you for a wand-dicectomy.

Wiz can save a bit on the Viagra

“Your butt makes your butt look big.”

That’s a question that is best not to be answered…EVER!!

The real answer to those type of questions has always been “Its not the dress/jeans/pants that make you look fat, It’s the fat that makes you look fat”

The consequences of that answer however result in screaming or sleeping on the sofa or the silent treatment or divorce!

I remember having a girl friend ask this question. Thankfully she was looking to know if it made her look Phat rather then overweight.

Never, ever mess with Blanche. Payback is her specialty.

How big do you want it to look?

Didn’ty you see the way I walked in?

My name is Wiz, on a Stick!

Hope your insurance covers this, Wiz!

When my wife asks that question I always tell it like I see it. She really wants to know if the clothing is unflattering. She knows to take my opinion on colors with a grain of salt, though. Poor artistic choice in colors seems to be part of my lack of color awareness.

Not at all honey , and , may I kiss your cheeks , please .

Okay you deserve that Wiz. All those spells and magic things laying around and you can’t lie better than that? Bad on you. :(

In one episode of “Blue Bloods” Jamie swallowed a zip drive. Later, in the dinner scene, everyone teases him about the things he swallowed as a child including Danny’s collection of Mercury dimes. Danny said that after he got them back and he cleaned them, they shined!

Whats worse, he probably answered immediately without even turning around to have a look!

I doubt that he’s going to want to take a seat in the waiting room.

Poor Wiz got shafted!

True story: I was at Penney’s with my wife when she asked me, “Does this dress make me look fat?” I noted that all activity stopped in the whole fitting rooms area and it got really quiet. I deadpan replied, “I don’t know, your beauty has struck me blind.” The WHOLE place roared with laughter!! Two women said they pee’d themselves and rushed off to the rest room. A clerk, at a nearby register, was laughing so hard that she had to stop working and compose herself.

The pat answer is “Of COURSE not!” You don’t have to say the part about ’it’s all the fat that makes your butt look big’ out loud!

Sir mix a lot told the truth. And women loved his honesty. Then the band South Park told the woman that she was fine, and to back that a** up, so I guess context makes a big difference.

Not at all. It covers both zip codes adequately.

No! you’re big butt makes your butt look big

Do women really make that comment in real life or just in comics?? I’m 82 AND have NEVER asked such a dumb question, I have a mirror & eyes.

I was once asked that and I said, “You must think I’m pretty stupid with a question like that!”

But… he was sitting!

To quote Money Python, “Run Away! Run Away!!”

Just tell the nurse the question your wife asked and your answer, she will know where to look….

Never ever answer that question, at least not honestly.

Some husbands never learn do they?

Hey big butts have made the Kardashians a lot of money.

Blanche’s magical MUMS potion helps one float. So does salt from The Red Sea. They should make a heated swimming pool that has the weight fall right off. Just float around in the pool a few hours and walk out with an hour glass figure and no blemishes.

800 years old and you still haven’t learned, Wiz?

(Sort of) correct answer: No dear, but it does accentuate your beautiful curves.

(cough) it’s a butt joke (cought) It’s rather personal!

Hoo boy Wizard, you screw up.

Does this wand inserted sideways make my butt look big?

Now the Wiz has a wand where he sometimes has wind.

How she did that while he was sitting down is the real question!

“No, fatty, it’s all those rich foods you snarfed that made you look fat! Wait — did I just say that out loud? OH NOOOOOOOO!"