Tom Toles for July 31, 2020

Elect a demon, get an army of incubi & succubi.

As usual, the little guy has the best lines. In fact I’d LOVE to see a legal limit on the amount of time people may campaign for public office. Doubt it could happen: Free speech and all that, but wouldn’t it be loverly!

Because his polls are so bad, Il Douche is no longer campaigning for reelection. Now’s he’s camplaining for reelection because “nobody likes [him]”.

Trump’s father was the demon sperm to his mother’s alien DNA and the result is, indeed, the freakish lizard man occupying the White House, drinking his mixture of hydroxychloroquine laced with bleach.

The next generation?

Trump becomes the new demon sperm to Melania’s alien DNA (have you seen those narrow slits of “eyes”?), and following in the footsteps of Invana, we have the new spawn of lizard people — Don Jr., Eric and Ivanka (who found her lizard soul mate in Jared, as slimy as they come).

Where’s an Exorcist when you need them?

Considering the nature and beliefs of the ☠resident’s supporters, invoking demons to bolster his reelection campaign may actually be helpful as they already buy into his alleged hatred of globalization an the dubious Caucasian taxonomy of his offspring as being real ’Muricans like them.

D.T. go home!

Dumb as a Trump U Alumn – {4 beats/line}

The Donald aims // to persuade us by claims

by people as dumb // as a Trump U alumn.

You gotta wonder what planet they’re from.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Wake up Magaits, your Trumpie the Clown is BATSHIT CRAZY, any one who believes this .. ’ stuff….you’ve have issues!

Revised Caption: I thought Aliens were supposedly of higher intelligence. They want us to take them to our leader, Alex Jones ! Trump is going to be pissed being upstaged again before the election.

Just when you think all the nut cases have been exposed, from out of nowhere comes this doctor. Is there some island, somewhere, with a crazy scientist, that produces these people?

—) Flying saucer spacecraft are rather a lame meme by this time. That’s why when Donald Trump, in his first days as president, eagerly browsed the secret “Area 51” catalog of space-alien artifacts, he was sorely disappointed. The reconstructed saucer shell especially displeased him.

“It looks like junk from a 1950s move,” he complained to Mike Pence. “A typical garbage can lid looks more impressive. I’d like something to replace Air Force One, but nothing here is spectacular enough. Have they got anything more?”

No teleportation booths, no death ray guns, no invisibility suits were found. But then the xeno-technology expert with Pence speculated an anti-gravity drive powered the alien craft.

“You mean, it could float the saucer, make it hover, and land vertically?” Trump thought a second, then pounded the table. “I have it! Make the anti-gravity thingy work and I’ll give you something big to float!”

Trump had remembered the movie “Zardoz,” and was impressed by the floating godhead that awed crowds, inspiring them to violence. (Also, he had a crush on the young Charlotte Rampling, and it was not a coincidence that Melania resembled her).

In early 2020, scientists said the device was ready. “I want a big floating godhead, and make it in my image. Load it with MAGA hats and Hydroxychloroquine, and I’ll arrive at my rallies and and intone, ‘Trumpoz Speaks To You!’ And then out spew the goodies all over the crowd. Let’s see the Democrats top that!”

Well, the spreading pandemic spoiled implementation of the idea. Rallies were canceled, and Trump blamed the scientists (not that he respected them much, anyway.) Oh, it’s not a totally wasted concept, as the Trump Godhead might yet be used to terrify protesters in various Democrat-run cities. And so —

“Keep Watching the Skies!” (—

The BEST PROOF that there IS intelligent life in the universe is the fact that NO ONE has tried to contact us!

Would YOU want to hang out on a planet where the inhabitants are STUPID ENOUGH to believe THIS B.S. and where they were STUPID ENOUGH to allow someone like trump to run for any high office???

People once came to the U.S. for medical educations, now they will go to Cameroon.

I don’t know. There is a theory out there that Jesus of Nazareth was the offspring of a human mother and and extraterrestrial father. . . . /s

I don’t know why Toles is even concerned about an election. He doesn’t want either candidate.

Demons. It’s the XXI century and they’re screaming about demons.

Let’s call it ‘Air Force None’.

Have you seen the video clips of that doctor that Disaster Pumpkin is so fond of? She looks like she’s having sex with a demon right there when the shutter is being snapped.

Stella-a-a-a-a-! My approval numbers are still cratering. Pass me the Hydroxi, with a Bigly Demon chaser.

Love the little commentator saying in response to “maybe we should delay the election” , " maybe we should advance it."

Trump really is insane and needs to be removed from office ASAP.

Alien DNA?? Demon semen?? I haven’t heard those before-and I sincerely hope they’re from Tom’s fertile imagination.

It’s Trump’s Space Force!

As a space alien it’s only natural that he’d travel on Space Force 1.

I don’t know anything about that. I thought she [the doctor] was very impressive.

{Off-topic:}

Future Historians’ Questions – {4 beats/line}

These questions will have the historians stumped: -

√ Had America’s culture so bigly slumped

that their erstwhile values got bigly trumped

by deplorable opponents // of civility’s components?

√ Was a gullible public by Trumpists chumped?

√ Was the Lady of Justice by aliens humped?

√ Was the Statue of Liberty jilted and dumped?

√ Why didn’t Jared get his head thumped?

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

{Off-topic:}

When We are from Donald Released – {limerick}

As soon as our nation’s released

from the clutch of this Trumpian beast, -

- with our troubles decreased

{hence our hopes increased},

we’ll work on reforms, – to at least

fix Wall Street so we’re not so fleeced.

… Coda: – {3 beats/line}

And we’ll fix lotsa Other stuff

{stuff which is not up to snuff}.

Of The Donald we’ve had enuff

{we want no more Trumpian guff}.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

@Concretionist: “…I’d LOVE to see a legal limit on the amount of time people may campaign for public office. Doubt it could happen: Free speech and all that….”

I think the “Free Speech” bit could theoretically be gotten around. They can say whatever they want, whenever they want, but they could be removed from the ballot if their campaigning exceeds a certain limit.

Well, I did say “theoretically”. I’m sure there’s no way our current (or even near future) Congress would pass such a law… or that the current Supreme Court would allow it to stand.

Please don’t stop me if you’ve already read my song parody somewhere or other before, but it’s about as relevant now as when I wrote the dang thing! [with insincere apologies to Cole Porter]

Clorox your COVID

Start bleaching it now

Clorox your COVID

And your innards you will wow!

If you’re having bad luck with infection

Give yourself a quick Lysol injection

If you get no results from your bleach sprays

Try an enormous dose of UV rays

If COVID continues to harry ya

Try a drug that is meant for malaria!

Clorox your COVID

And you’ll drop like the Dow!

Then again, the reports that Alien Lizard people run the Trumplethinskin White House seem very credible.

It would explain So Much.