Monty by Jim Meddick for June 14, 2021

You’re lucky they didn’t stuff you in a tree.

As that wise philosopher Paris Hilton once said, “squirrels are just rats with cuter outfits.”

The obvious question is squirrels or pigeons? With squirrels it’s a shell game. Pigeons just try to white wash the whole deal.

That Dr. Scholl’s is gonna make fine bedding. The squirrels by me just love mine.

Leave it to Monty to lose control of a situation.

My wife and I, on a road trip stop in Crescent City, California, stopped to eat dinner on a bench by the beach. We noticed a lot of squirrels, but the more we ate the more came by and surrounded us, in a creepy “Night of the Living Dead” kind of way. We ended up hastily finishing and leaving—only to look back and see that the bench was over a hole that must have led to a squirrel burrow, because they were going in and out of that hole by the dozens.

I’ve seen parks and trails where the squirrels are semi-tame, having gotten used to the idea that humans will often feed them. I have nothing against squirrels, but I figure that they’re wild animals, and they need to forage for themselves.

A couple of friends went to Jekyll Island – the ranger station had a “Don’t feed the squirrels” notice posted, but she loved animals and couldn’t help feeding them, who would scamper up her pants leg to get a peanut. One thought her fingertip was a peanut and chomped into it. She was livid with pain and worried what they might be carrying, and called the rangers, asking through tears how such a bite could be treated – the ranger just snipped “You were feedin’ the squirrels, werent’cha!”

I do want to thank all the squirrels that kept us entertained during the lock downs.

..and that one blowing raspberries at me took my wallet..!

I always used to laugh at the tourists on the San Francisco Ferry who thought they could feed one seagull.

Old guy sitting in the park, eating peanuts and chucking the shells over his left shoulder.

“Hey, mister, whatcha doin’ that for?”

“Keeps the tigers away.”

“But there aren’t any tigers within a thousand miles of here.”

“See? It works!”

Well, duh! Everybody knows rabid squirrels are attracted to orthopedic inserts!

What a coincidence. Just yesterday, I was watching an old Laugh-In episode where Larry Storch used the same joke (elephants instead of tigers) with Connie Stevens.

You mean those squirrels didn’t patiently wait in line to be fed? How surprising!

Watch out for those squirrels! They eat nuts and kick butts! (Especially Doreen over there . . . )

We call ’em tree rats.

My grandpappy would feed the squirrels at the public monument in the park, and I’d sit with him and maybe do a little peanut-feeding, too. The squirrels were much more polite back in those days! Sorry, Monty….