NOTICE TO ALL: Please check your wallets, purses, mattresses, coffee cans, etc and send me all your paper money. I will scrub the microorganisms off of it and return it to you after I cleanse it for you! Oh yeah…..don’t forget to send a return address in the box.
A man returned to the U.S. after a trip abroad feeling very ill.
He goes to see his doctor and is immediately rushed to the hospital to undergo a barrage of extensive tests. He’s negative for COVID, Ebola, Malaria, and pretty much all the recognizable infectious diseases.
The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone by his bed rings.
“This is your doctor. We’ve got the results back from your battery of tests, and we’ve found you have an extremely nasty and rare virus that is highly contagious and is frequently fatal.”
“Oh my gosh,” cries the man. He’s in a panic now. “What are you going to do, Doctor?”
“Well, we’re going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and quesadillas.”
“Will that cure me?” asked the man hopefully.
The doctor replied, “No… but it’s the only food we can slide under the door.”
Pizza jokes are entirely too tame. Here’s one last joke with some meat to it.
A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard.
The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, “Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole.”
The grandfather replies, “I’ll bet you five dollars you can’t. It’s too wiggly and limp to put back in that tiny hole.”
The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. The boy then proceeds to slip the dying worm back into the hole.
The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the boy another five dollars.
The little boy says, “Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars.”
The grandfather replies, “I know. That’s from Grandma.”
We’ve long had a service of seed exchange… Once I’ve taken all the salad, fruit and veg from my potager… I let the rest “go to seed”… I collect the seeds and exchange them with other like-minded gardeners… for plants I don’t have…
So don’t count the neurons then. Sheesh, do we have to tell you everything? Count Dracula instead. lol, etc…
Take care, may famed Sunday late sleeper Margaret “Tee Hee I Put An M-80 In The Radio So When The Alarm Goes Off It’ll Be Squelched And Silenced By The Explosion And I’ll Get To Sleep Longer” Dorkord be with you, and gesundheit.
I guess i live in a building full of germaphobes who know about all the organisms on our money. i find a $20 or a $50 in the washing machine or dryer in my apartment building at least once a month.
A man walks into a brain store to buy a new brain. He goes to the clerk and says
“Hello, I’d like to purchase a new brain”.
The clerk replies with “Sure, here are some of our brains we have on sale: first, here’s the brain of a physicist, 5 dollars; then here’s our second deal for today. The brain of an anti-vaxxer, 10,000 dollars”.
The man, completely confused, asks “Why is the brain of an anti-vaxxer more expensive than that of a physicist?”
“Because it’s never been used”, the clerk replies.
You could use “flat-Earther” also, if that’s your target audience.
In the 1980’s and ’90’s, you couldn’t find a $20, $50 or $100 bill in Miami that didn’t have traces of coke on them—some banks required staff to use rubber gloves in their vaults.
The “paper” used for money is a combination of cotton and linen. The ink is a permanent pigment. Money washes extremely well as anyone knows who has had bills go through the washer. It can be ironed dry. This has the advantage of getting the wrinkles out for use in vending machines.
jasonsnakelover almost 2 years ago
But that won’t stop people from wanting singles and other denominations of bills. One time I had two dollars.
May the Lord be with you as He is with me.
The dude from FL Premium Member almost 2 years ago
NOTICE TO ALL: Please check your wallets, purses, mattresses, coffee cans, etc and send me all your paper money. I will scrub the microorganisms off of it and return it to you after I cleanse it for you! Oh yeah…..don’t forget to send a return address in the box.
pearlsbs almost 2 years ago
That’s why it’s called filthy lucre.
Templo S.U.D. almost 2 years ago
how old of a human brain from which to count 3,000 years’ worth of neurons?
Charlie Fogwhistle almost 2 years ago
Pizza jokes are tough…
Because it’s all about the delivery!!
Charlie Fogwhistle almost 2 years ago
A man returned to the U.S. after a trip abroad feeling very ill.
He goes to see his doctor and is immediately rushed to the hospital to undergo a barrage of extensive tests. He’s negative for COVID, Ebola, Malaria, and pretty much all the recognizable infectious diseases.
The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone by his bed rings.
“This is your doctor. We’ve got the results back from your battery of tests, and we’ve found you have an extremely nasty and rare virus that is highly contagious and is frequently fatal.”
“Oh my gosh,” cries the man. He’s in a panic now. “What are you going to do, Doctor?”
“Well, we’re going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and quesadillas.”
“Will that cure me?” asked the man hopefully.
The doctor replied, “No… but it’s the only food we can slide under the door.”
One more? Why not.
Charlie Fogwhistle almost 2 years ago
My girlfriend and I bought a pizza to share and she got mad because I ate half.
Granted, it was the TOP half, but still…
Charlie Fogwhistle almost 2 years ago
I guess I should have said “2 more” a few minutes ago.
What is the difference between an aspiring musician and a large pizza?
A large pizza can actually feed a family of 4.
Until next time.
David_the_CAD almost 2 years ago
Well there are a few brains out there that won’t take so long to count.
Charlie Fogwhistle almost 2 years ago
Pizza jokes are entirely too tame. Here’s one last joke with some meat to it.
A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard.
The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, “Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole.”
The grandfather replies, “I’ll bet you five dollars you can’t. It’s too wiggly and limp to put back in that tiny hole.”
The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. The boy then proceeds to slip the dying worm back into the hole.
The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the boy another five dollars.
The little boy says, “Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars.”
The grandfather replies, “I know. That’s from Grandma.”
Until next time.
A Common 'tator almost 2 years ago
We’ve long had a service of seed exchange… Once I’ve taken all the salad, fruit and veg from my potager… I let the rest “go to seed”… I collect the seeds and exchange them with other like-minded gardeners… for plants I don’t have…
oakie817 almost 2 years ago
you could count all the neurons of brains in Washington in 3000 seconds…and i’m also covered in hundreds of species of microorganisms
Huckleberry Hiroshima almost 2 years ago
So don’t count the neurons then. Sheesh, do we have to tell you everything? Count Dracula instead. lol, etc…
Take care, may famed Sunday late sleeper Margaret “Tee Hee I Put An M-80 In The Radio So When The Alarm Goes Off It’ll Be Squelched And Silenced By The Explosion And I’ll Get To Sleep Longer” Dorkord be with you, and gesundheit.
theincrediblebulk almost 2 years ago
I guess i live in a building full of germaphobes who know about all the organisms on our money. i find a $20 or a $50 in the washing machine or dryer in my apartment building at least once a month.
dpatrickryan Premium Member almost 2 years ago
I’ve had Margherita pizza at Brandi in Naples, the actual restaurant that invented it. It’s really good.
e.groves almost 2 years ago
Tulsa libraries have a seed exchange.
largeungulate almost 2 years ago
But the fiver is bacteria free
AlienHillbilly almost 2 years ago
Apparently, the current currency exchange rate is $1.00 = ☠1,000,000
heathcliff2 almost 2 years ago
A conspiracy to discourage people from eating, wanting money, enjoying plants and thinking.
Charlie Fogwhistle almost 2 years ago
A man walks into a brain store to buy a new brain. He goes to the clerk and says
“Hello, I’d like to purchase a new brain”.
The clerk replies with “Sure, here are some of our brains we have on sale: first, here’s the brain of a physicist, 5 dollars; then here’s our second deal for today. The brain of an anti-vaxxer, 10,000 dollars”.
The man, completely confused, asks “Why is the brain of an anti-vaxxer more expensive than that of a physicist?”
“Because it’s never been used”, the clerk replies.
You could use “flat-Earther” also, if that’s your target audience.
Until next time.
mindjob almost 2 years ago
Great comments today, no condescending lectures, no boring diatribes, no ego-driven rants
Teto85 Premium Member almost 2 years ago
Coins can at least be washed. So glad to have a pocketful of Loonies and Toonies for times when plastic won’t do.
monkeysky almost 2 years ago
If you think 3000 years is a long time, counting the number of synapses would take over 10000 times longer
moosemin almost 2 years ago
3,000 years? It would make some difference if the brain belonged to a Lib or a Nazi.
tee929 almost 2 years ago
Start with the Dumpster’s brain and be done before lunch!
tee929 almost 2 years ago
In the 1980’s and ’90’s, you couldn’t find a $20, $50 or $100 bill in Miami that didn’t have traces of coke on them—some banks required staff to use rubber gloves in their vaults.
WCraft Premium Member almost 2 years ago
The ingredients in the pizza served to the queen were the colors of the Italian flag: Yellow water buffalo cheese, red tomato sauce, and green basil
alexonnet almost 2 years ago
I was worried that pizza was named for the drink used in it!
MattDingleberry almost 2 years ago
How fast are we counting those neurons?
JanBic Premium Member almost 2 years ago
The “paper” used for money is a combination of cotton and linen. The ink is a permanent pigment. Money washes extremely well as anyone knows who has had bills go through the washer. It can be ironed dry. This has the advantage of getting the wrinkles out for use in vending machines.