Pearls Before Swine by Stephan Pastis for November 22, 2023

Get a bar of soap.

In the book “So Long and Thanks for All the Fish,” a man who calls himself Wonko the Sane decides that any world whose people need instructions for using a toothpick is a world of lunatics.

Imagine the amount of entertainment we would miss if everyone were the same.

And he hasn’t even tried to twist off a medicine bottle yet.

I know “Rat”. (Pun intended)

With body wash, I discovered that it is important to screw the lid down tightly so that you have a good air seal.

One time I was 21 minutes old, and everyone’s upset because they missed out on seeing that event.

I had to watch a YT video to open a box of screws today. In my defense, you have to press a tab on one corner of the box, then slide your fingernail into the resulting very slender opening, then pull up, then repeat on the other corners.

Who was the genius who gave him an apple cart?

The ones I like are the foamers. They’re like magical… but one of the ones I bought had a completely hidden lock-down feature. You had to just intuit that twisting the top about 90º so it would pop up and allow you to pump it.

Another good reason why I don’t eat apples.

I often have difficulty figuring out how to get a pump dispenser to work. Some you have to pull up, others you have to twist to one side or the other (usually the other), some just sit there and refuse to move no matter what you do.

“My apple cart’s been toppled for years” is a T-shirt, I’d buy.

It all started with stickers on fruit.

I worked maintenance at Pembroke Hill school in Kansas City for 6 years. They ordered a huge rolling whiteboard for the middle school. It literally had 50 parts and 200 nuts and bolts of different sizes and lengths. I remember looking for the instructions for 30 minutes. Even checked the plastic envelope with the packing list. Nothing. But I got ’er done, with no extra parts leftover.

Rat’s problem with his apple cart might be because he keeps finding half a worm in his apple, after he’s started eating it.

I predict a resurgence in bar soap in 2024

Glad I’m not the only one with that problem. Stupid things say which way to turn to open but does it work? Not always.

Reminds The Count, somehow, of the guy who said “Why doesn’t it work the way at my house as it does on HGTV?”.

Really? All you have to do is press on the pump!!

I worked on a truck once. it had a sign that read….in an emergency pull handle to open…..it was on the drivers door……

I usually turn to YouTube when I’m having difficulty in a video game.

What drives me crazy is that sometimes, I’m struggling with the pump forever trying to get it to work. And other times, it just opens, no problem.

I assembled a greenhouse three years ago: 16 pages of warnings in 16 languages. Almost 50 pages of pictures for the assembly, no text beyond part numbers. And not all of the numbers were correct.

I used to say “How do old folks open this?”. I’m 88 and still say the same thing. Just need a kitchen junk drawer full of tools. Have not used any power tools -- yet.

I love you tube. and only for how to videos. fixed many a car parts that i had no idea what i was doing . even installed a cold air induction and now it seems like an easy thing to do.

Some people, you can only feel sorry for them.

I told a mechanic friend of mine that I now know how to change brake pads, I watched a video on YouTube. He came over to walk me through it my first time. I had a hard time with one of the lug nuts, he squared himself in front of the tire, and gave the lug wrench a bit extra, and it loosened right up. He said, “They didn’t show you that in the video, did they?”

There’s usually an arrow imprinted on the top of the pump that shows the direction in which to turn the upper portion of the pump, so that the soap can be dispensed. For further details, watch my 28-minute YT.

remember it’s @ before # except after $

The instructions are there, they are just printed in medium blue ink on light blue ink, all of which becomes illegible under fluorescent lights.

Rat, just one word: IKEA.

I still need help with that. The pump just spins around when I try to “open” a new bottle.

Opening things is frustrating these days.

Too many people live with toppled apple carts.

Considering we have labels not to drink gasoline or bleach, one would think we have step-by-step instructions on how to open a bottle of soap after buying it.

There’s a YouTube channel by a guy who shows how to open all those unbreakable padlocks. It was harder to get into the plastic packaging for one very expensive padlock.

What’s really absurd is the size of the font for directions on the back of some products.

Some you need to turn several times one way.

Some you need to turn several times the other way.

Some you need to push down while turning.

Some you need to turn and then push down.

Some you need to turn part way and then push.

Some you need to push and then turn part way.

I am definitely with Rat on this one.

I see Rat bought a bottle of Dove too!

Rat is incorrect. The world is not unbearable. There are bears everywhere.

Apple cart overturned? Now, flip a taxicab!!

How stupid do you have to be to not know how to pump a soap bottle?

They print “Do Not Eat” on the little packets of absorbent inside products. I presume it is because it has been problematic at some time.

I wish more online instructions were written steps instead of YT videos.

well, I just found he’s right

Consider, it’s for your own safety … just like one-piece blister packs.

First aid for this problem: Check to see if it’s out of soap.

One YT video I found useful was how to tie a necktie. I so seldom do it, I forget how

push down. receive soap. is rat a moron?

I saw a late-night comic not long ago talking about a package of face masks. It had a QR code to access instructions for putting on a face mask. He said, “How many people are out there in the world who know how to work a QR code but can’t figure out how to put on a face mask?”

I like that there are wax coated nails that hammer in easily. I’m not a real carpenter but now I can build stuff

Of course 2 of the videos were ads and the useful one was 30 seconds long.

Many YouTube videos are fine. Many could be summarized in two lines of useful text. I read 1200 wpm. I watch video at the same speed as everyone else.

This is a deep Dilbert reference. IYKYK.

Doesn’t Rat know that when your applecart is upset, that’s THE time to make apple sauce?!?

I remember noting at the time when teenagers were challenging each other on social media to eat Tide pods that the company’s response was to make the package harder to open for small children and old people. It did include instruction on how to open it on the package but it was still a strange response the problem.

He’s right though.

Possible solution to Rat’s problem…get a bottle of hand soap that, instead of a pump, has a top that just flips open and you squeeze the bottle to get the soap out. I have one of those.

I’ve never had a problem with the soap dispenser.

I have appliances with 10 pages explaining how I shouldn’t plug them into the wall while in the bathtub, in clear (ahem!) American English legalese — and then a 1/2 page bulleted list of usage instructions written by someone whose primary language was decidedly not English.

One of the neighbor kids was visiting us, went to use our toilet, came out later holding a bar of soap in his hands and asked me “how do you get the soap out of this?” So it works both ways; in his house they had only pump soap dispensers, while we did not.

So, why are you still pushing around an apple cart, Rat? Or is it the all-new iApple Cart?

The last two videos were totally unrelated to Rat’s search, naturally.

I’ve yet to find a bottle of soap I couldn’t operate. I did need to watch three different videos on how to tie knots, though.