My wife’s company used to send her out of state occasionally. The first time this happened, early on in our relationship, I decided to send flowers to her place of work. So I went to a florist shop. After choosing the display I wanted to send, I went to the cashier to pay and and give the address where they should be sent. “How do you want the card signed?” she asked.
Thinking to keep a bit of spice in the nascent relationship, I said, “Just leave it blank.”
She got angry at that; her jaw tightened. “Sir,” she intoned, “We do NOT send out flowers without some sort of signature; not from THIS shop. I need at least your first name. WHAT IS YOUR NAME?”
Well, I could see I was defeated on that issue, so I said, “OK – my name is Anon.” (I made it rhyme with “cannon.”)
“Anon?” she repeated. “I’ve never heard of that name. How do you spell it?”
“A, N, O, N,” I told her. She gave me a slight nod of superiority – I couldn’t beat HER - and wrote it down.
My wife still has the card; it’s been over 25 years.
A virile, middle-aged, Italian manwas relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde. Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment.
After a while they retired to his bedroom where he ‘rattled’ her in spectacular fashion. After a smoke and brief interlude he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?
She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, “No.”
Surprised, he reached for her again, and the rattling resumed. This time there was even greater passion.
Finally, he comes to a halt. He smiles and asks, “You finish?”
Once again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly says, “No.”
Stunned, but determined not to leave this woman unsatisfied, he, mustering all his strength and recuperative powers, cranks up for one final burst. In a wild, monumentally frenetic conclusion they end together, screaming, snorting, and, well, you get the idea.
Absolutely and completely exhausted, he falls onto his back, gasping for air. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asks again, “You finish?”
Barely able to speak, the blonde whispers in his ear, “No, I’m Norwegian!”
Here’s one more for the road. This one is safe to tell Grandkids.
Three hunters are lost in the woods, and their prospects aren’t looking good. The three men have been trying to find their way out for hours, but none of the landmarks look familiar, and they’re starting to get desperate.
Finally, one man remembers his Boy Scout training and says, “Fire three shots in the air, and someone will come find us!”
So they fire three shots and wait for a full hour. But when nobody shows up, the first man says, “Try it again, someone’s bound to show up!” The second man loads and fires another three shots, but again, no one comes looking for them.
Finally, the first man suggests firing another three shots just to be sure. The third man replies, “I hope you have a backup plan, because it’s getting dark and we only have three arrows left!”
I believe it about the granola. Granola is so dry and flavorless for me that I wouldn’t know fresh from stale. And that jar— it could’ve served both purposes, for all we know!
This a joke I made up long ago. It’s too long and implausible, but whatever, it’s not naughty.
Two older guys were chatting at the diner one time. “Looks like you just got a haircut,” said Phil. “I sure did, and it was free!” said Bill. “Know why? The barber nicked my ear with the clippers. There was only a drop of blood, but he felt bad and charged me nothing.”
Phil liked the idea of scamming for a free haircut, because he was weird that way. He asked Bill for the name of the barber shop (Gil’s), then went to a novelty joke shop. Bought 2 big fake ears and some fake blood. Applied them accordingly and went to see Gil. “I would like it real short on the sides!” he exclaimed mischievously. Gil said sure, and went to work.
It worked better than Phil expected! The clippers didn’t just nick an ear, it completely severed it, and the fake blood got everywhere. “Hey!” Phil yelled, but Gil suddenly clipped off the other fake ear, fake blood just gushing.
“Okay, you’re done,” said Gil. “The charge will be $300.”
“That’s an outrageous price!”
“Maybe for a haircut. But it’s pretty cheap for plastic surgery.”
I was at a cafe in Louisiana built near a tree which had one huge branch growing through a window, no joke. And the counter clerk did (get ready) BARK customer’s orders to the kitchen. … lol, lmao, har har, etc… so on, so forth…
Take care, may pun enthusiast Milton “What Did The Grape Say When It Got Crushed? Nothing, It Just Let Out A Little Wine” Berlord be with you, and gesundheit.
This is definitely a true story. Approximately 30 years ago my family and I was enjoying a beautiful summer day outdoors at our home when I noticed my wife and son staring intently at something on the side of the house! I walked over to check this thing that had them so excited and when I got close enough, I saw the largest spider, other than a tarantula, that I had ever seen! Not having a fear of spiders, even though I am terrified of rats, without saying a word, I walked right up and grabbed the spider between my thumb and index finger and proceeded to skoosh it and throw it on the ground! My son, mouth agape said “He’s got balls!” My wife in ,in disgust, said “No, he’s nuts!” As I walked away, I said “Nuts, balls…it’s all the same!”
A lot of food is still good after the “best by” date. Someone makes a subjective judgement about how long after packaging the “quality” will last. Food manufacturers are biased to make the “best by” date sooner than later.
Bill wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company’s party. He is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn’t taste like alcohol at all. He doesn’t even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wonders if he did something wrong.
He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!!
He notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick. “Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling!”
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming coffee and the morning newspaper. His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating. Bill asks, “Hey bud, what happened last night?’
’Well, you came home after 3 A.M.,totally polluted. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway. Hilarious!”
“So, why did mom leave me a rose, and what’s with breakfast??”
“Oh, THAT… Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, ‘Leave me alone, I’m married!!”
Okay that Neil Armstrong story, though a little raw, is not offensive—the only problem with it is that sadly it is not true. Buddy Hackett made a joke like that and people thought it had really happened. But it didn’t. https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/good-luck-mr-gorsky/
I have a box of Girl Scout Thin Mints in my fridge, at least 25 yrs. old. It has moved with me as I’ve moved. Every year or three I eat one. Still crispy and tastes the same. I bought a new box this year so that I could open it and do a taste comparison. Didn’t eat the original because I’m not a big fan of mint, and someone gave me the box.
The Duke about 2 years ago
That the good thing about granola, last a long time like a fruit cake.
eromlig about 2 years ago
Another true story tonight:
My wife’s company used to send her out of state occasionally. The first time this happened, early on in our relationship, I decided to send flowers to her place of work. So I went to a florist shop. After choosing the display I wanted to send, I went to the cashier to pay and and give the address where they should be sent. “How do you want the card signed?” she asked.
Thinking to keep a bit of spice in the nascent relationship, I said, “Just leave it blank.”
She got angry at that; her jaw tightened. “Sir,” she intoned, “We do NOT send out flowers without some sort of signature; not from THIS shop. I need at least your first name. WHAT IS YOUR NAME?”
Well, I could see I was defeated on that issue, so I said, “OK – my name is Anon.” (I made it rhyme with “cannon.”)
“Anon?” she repeated. “I’ve never heard of that name. How do you spell it?”
“A, N, O, N,” I told her. She gave me a slight nod of superiority – I couldn’t beat HER - and wrote it down.
My wife still has the card; it’s been over 25 years.
Charlie Fogwhistle about 2 years ago
Steve, this joke is to honor your Italian side.
A virile, middle-aged, Italian manwas relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde. Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment.
After a while they retired to his bedroom where he ‘rattled’ her in spectacular fashion. After a smoke and brief interlude he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?
She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, “No.”
Surprised, he reached for her again, and the rattling resumed. This time there was even greater passion.
Finally, he comes to a halt. He smiles and asks, “You finish?”
Once again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly says, “No.”
Stunned, but determined not to leave this woman unsatisfied, he, mustering all his strength and recuperative powers, cranks up for one final burst. In a wild, monumentally frenetic conclusion they end together, screaming, snorting, and, well, you get the idea.
Absolutely and completely exhausted, he falls onto his back, gasping for air. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asks again, “You finish?”
Barely able to speak, the blonde whispers in his ear, “No, I’m Norwegian!”
Until next time.
Charlie Fogwhistle about 2 years ago
Here’s one more for the road. This one is safe to tell Grandkids.
Three hunters are lost in the woods, and their prospects aren’t looking good. The three men have been trying to find their way out for hours, but none of the landmarks look familiar, and they’re starting to get desperate.
Finally, one man remembers his Boy Scout training and says, “Fire three shots in the air, and someone will come find us!”
So they fire three shots and wait for a full hour. But when nobody shows up, the first man says, “Try it again, someone’s bound to show up!” The second man loads and fires another three shots, but again, no one comes looking for them.
Finally, the first man suggests firing another three shots just to be sure. The third man replies, “I hope you have a backup plan, because it’s getting dark and we only have three arrows left!”
Until next time.
Templo S.U.D. about 2 years ago
I don’t know which is more disgusting: the chamber pot flower pot or the 21-year-old granola.
jasonsnakelover about 2 years ago
Cosias Jarels Canthea Arelse One time I was 22 years old.
One time I was 1,501 years old.
May the Lord be with you.
Copy-&-Paste about 2 years ago
A regular ‘Little Shop of Horror’ in India….”FEED ME!!”
Caldonia about 2 years ago
I believe it about the granola. Granola is so dry and flavorless for me that I wouldn’t know fresh from stale. And that jar— it could’ve served both purposes, for all we know!
Caldonia about 2 years ago
This a joke I made up long ago. It’s too long and implausible, but whatever, it’s not naughty.
Two older guys were chatting at the diner one time. “Looks like you just got a haircut,” said Phil. “I sure did, and it was free!” said Bill. “Know why? The barber nicked my ear with the clippers. There was only a drop of blood, but he felt bad and charged me nothing.”
Phil liked the idea of scamming for a free haircut, because he was weird that way. He asked Bill for the name of the barber shop (Gil’s), then went to a novelty joke shop. Bought 2 big fake ears and some fake blood. Applied them accordingly and went to see Gil. “I would like it real short on the sides!” he exclaimed mischievously. Gil said sure, and went to work.
It worked better than Phil expected! The clippers didn’t just nick an ear, it completely severed it, and the fake blood got everywhere. “Hey!” Phil yelled, but Gil suddenly clipped off the other fake ear, fake blood just gushing.
“Okay, you’re done,” said Gil. “The charge will be $300.”
“That’s an outrageous price!”
“Maybe for a haircut. But it’s pretty cheap for plastic surgery.”
WDD about 2 years ago
Chamber pot? Chamber as in outhouse?
therese_callahan2002 about 2 years ago
I threw out an unopened bottle of pills when I found out they’d expired in 2015.
Huckleberry Hiroshima about 2 years ago
I was at a cafe in Louisiana built near a tree which had one huge branch growing through a window, no joke. And the counter clerk did (get ready) BARK customer’s orders to the kitchen. … lol, lmao, har har, etc… so on, so forth…
Take care, may pun enthusiast Milton “What Did The Grape Say When It Got Crushed? Nothing, It Just Let Out A Little Wine” Berlord be with you, and gesundheit.
DawnQuinn1 about 2 years ago
How did the box of granola stay on the store shelf for such a long time?
dv1093 about 2 years ago
Expiration dates are pretty much overrated – except for milk.
198.23.5.11 about 2 years ago
Granolda.
joefearsnothing about 2 years ago
This is definitely a true story. Approximately 30 years ago my family and I was enjoying a beautiful summer day outdoors at our home when I noticed my wife and son staring intently at something on the side of the house! I walked over to check this thing that had them so excited and when I got close enough, I saw the largest spider, other than a tarantula, that I had ever seen! Not having a fear of spiders, even though I am terrified of rats, without saying a word, I walked right up and grabbed the spider between my thumb and index finger and proceeded to skoosh it and throw it on the ground! My son, mouth agape said “He’s got balls!” My wife in ,in disgust, said “No, he’s nuts!” As I walked away, I said “Nuts, balls…it’s all the same!”
Jogger2 about 2 years ago
A lot of food is still good after the “best by” date. Someone makes a subjective judgement about how long after packaging the “quality” will last. Food manufacturers are biased to make the “best by” date sooner than later.
FassEddie about 2 years ago
Bill wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company’s party. He is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn’t taste like alcohol at all. He doesn’t even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wonders if he did something wrong.
He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!!
He notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick. “Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling!”
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming coffee and the morning newspaper. His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating. Bill asks, “Hey bud, what happened last night?’
’Well, you came home after 3 A.M.,totally polluted. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway. Hilarious!”
“So, why did mom leave me a rose, and what’s with breakfast??”
“Oh, THAT… Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, ‘Leave me alone, I’m married!!”
SpaceBuckaroo about 2 years ago
It’s a poop bucket.
oakie817 about 2 years ago
yeah, my poop smells like roses too
Moon57Shine about 2 years ago
I don’t know what store they got that box of granola from, but it never should have been out there. And why would you not check the expiration date?
JohnShirley1 about 2 years ago
Okay that Neil Armstrong story, though a little raw, is not offensive—the only problem with it is that sadly it is not true. Buddy Hackett made a joke like that and people thought it had really happened. But it didn’t. https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/good-luck-mr-gorsky/
rice69922 about 2 years ago
LOL ;-)
Cathy P. about 2 years ago
I have a box of Girl Scout Thin Mints in my fridge, at least 25 yrs. old. It has moved with me as I’ve moved. Every year or three I eat one. Still crispy and tastes the same. I bought a new box this year so that I could open it and do a taste comparison. Didn’t eat the original because I’m not a big fan of mint, and someone gave me the box.
pbr50138 about 2 years ago
So, the store that sold an old, old box of cereal? I guess they don’t check he expiration dates on the other products they sell. YUCk!