Are we ready for another blonde joke? As with bullfighting (the bull doesn’t always lose) not all blonde jokes end alike or are alike – except for all of them being excruciatingly funny. Just ask my blonde wife…
A blonde is pulled over for speeding. The officer comes to her window and says, “Ma’am” (all cops say “Ma’am”) “you were driving 20 miles per hour over the speed limit. May I see your driver’s license and registration, please?”
“I don’t have a driver’s license, officer,” says the blonde. “And as for the registration, well, I don’t know where it might be. You see, I stole this car.”
The officer is deeply suspicious by this point. “Please open your trunk, Ma’am,” he says.
“Oh, I can’t do that, officer,” she responds. “There’s a dead body in there.”
Fully alarmed now, the officer tells her to keep her hands where he can see them, and he calls for backup. Within minutes, four squad cars screech to a stop, with the precinct captain in the lead. He approaches the blonde and demands to see her driver’s license.
“Here it is, Captain,” she says. “And here’s my automobile registration, too.”
“Well…please open your trunk, Ma’am.” She does so, revealing nothing more ominous than a spare tire. “Well, what the – my officer said you had no license, no registration, you’re driving a stolen car, and that you have a dead body in your trunk!”
“He did, did he? Huh – I bet he told you I was speeding, too.”
Darwinian evolution. Horned lizzards developed ways to communicate their innermost thoughts to all their kind around the world. Eventually, this prompted the blood squirting through the eyes as a defense mechanism. Just like humans, who discharge salty water instead of blood. Horned lizzards will be extinct soon… humans will follow :D
An octopus walks into a bar claiming that he can teach himself to play any instrument in a matter of minutes. The bar’s patrons are sceptical and decide to test his boasted ability. First, they present him with a cello, and to their astonishment he plays it with ease. Next, he is provided a saxophone which also fails to present a challenge. Finally, they present a bagpipe. He is puzzled, having never seen such an instrument. He begins to examine it carefully. Five minutes pass and the crowd begins to grow impatient. One man jeers him. “You ’bout ready to play it for us?”. “Play it?” he responds, confused. “I’m trying to get it’s pajamas off and hump it!”
“My cat had a hairball caught in her throat. It was awful, she couldn’t get it out. She’d wander around hacking, trying to get it out. I chatted with a vet about this and he suggested i put vaseline on her front paws. I…uh what? He explained further – vaseline is a non-toxic lubricant. If you put it on her paws, cats hate the feeling and will do the only thing they can do – lick it off. The vaseline will coat the throat and allow the hairball to get out.
I just stared at him for a minute before saying – that sounds incredibly logical, I’ll try it. Sure enough, a week later, she started hacking. I applied some vaseline and she gave me the death stare as she licked it off. But it worked and she got the hairball up and out. Fantastic! I repeated the process as needed over the next few weeks and it worked every time. But she hated it every time.
Yesterday, she started hacking. She looked at me. I looked at her, and like a rocket – she’s running away from me. I take off after her, she runs though an open door – my neighbour, a nice grandmother is sitting on her porch – all she sees is my cat running across the laws, me chasing her with a jar of vaseline going ’here kitty kitty!”
Don’t try this at home. Petroleum jelly should not be taken internally by cats or old people.
eromlig about 2 years ago
Are we ready for another blonde joke? As with bullfighting (the bull doesn’t always lose) not all blonde jokes end alike or are alike – except for all of them being excruciatingly funny. Just ask my blonde wife…
A blonde is pulled over for speeding. The officer comes to her window and says, “Ma’am” (all cops say “Ma’am”) “you were driving 20 miles per hour over the speed limit. May I see your driver’s license and registration, please?”
“I don’t have a driver’s license, officer,” says the blonde. “And as for the registration, well, I don’t know where it might be. You see, I stole this car.”
The officer is deeply suspicious by this point. “Please open your trunk, Ma’am,” he says.
“Oh, I can’t do that, officer,” she responds. “There’s a dead body in there.”
Fully alarmed now, the officer tells her to keep her hands where he can see them, and he calls for backup. Within minutes, four squad cars screech to a stop, with the precinct captain in the lead. He approaches the blonde and demands to see her driver’s license.
“Here it is, Captain,” she says. “And here’s my automobile registration, too.”
“Well…please open your trunk, Ma’am.” She does so, revealing nothing more ominous than a spare tire. “Well, what the – my officer said you had no license, no registration, you’re driving a stolen car, and that you have a dead body in your trunk!”
“He did, did he? Huh – I bet he told you I was speeding, too.”
monkeysky about 2 years ago
Shockingly, Hoss actually does look like that drawing.
Bilan about 2 years ago
Big deal. The Singapore Airport may have a waterfall and a forest, but ours have Starbucks every 20 yards.
BaltimoreJack Premium Member about 2 years ago
How big was the cat that coughed up Hoss?
Copy-&-Paste about 2 years ago
225lb Hairy Balls?..Now that’s something to brag about!
therese_callahan2002 about 2 years ago
The fact about the horned toad squirting blood is something I learned in grade school back in the 70’s.
Huckleberry Hiroshima about 2 years ago
If you can afford a Ferrari you probably don’t have to spin many yarns.
Take care, may renowned family hairball presenter Fluffy “Errrr-Kull ERRRKKULL” Brrupptord be with you, and gesundheit.
James Wolfenstein about 2 years ago
Darwinian evolution. Horned lizzards developed ways to communicate their innermost thoughts to all their kind around the world. Eventually, this prompted the blood squirting through the eyes as a defense mechanism. Just like humans, who discharge salty water instead of blood. Horned lizzards will be extinct soon… humans will follow :D
jasonsnakelover about 2 years ago
One time I was 131 feet tall.
Pauren Lorter One time I was 13 miles tall.
May the Lord be with you.
Charlie Fogwhistle about 2 years ago
Oddities? How about a musical Octopus.
An octopus walks into a bar claiming that he can teach himself to play any instrument in a matter of minutes. The bar’s patrons are sceptical and decide to test his boasted ability. First, they present him with a cello, and to their astonishment he plays it with ease. Next, he is provided a saxophone which also fails to present a challenge. Finally, they present a bagpipe. He is puzzled, having never seen such an instrument. He begins to examine it carefully. Five minutes pass and the crowd begins to grow impatient. One man jeers him. “You ’bout ready to play it for us?”. “Play it?” he responds, confused. “I’m trying to get it’s pajamas off and hump it!”
Until next time.
FassEddie about 2 years ago
“My cat had a hairball caught in her throat. It was awful, she couldn’t get it out. She’d wander around hacking, trying to get it out. I chatted with a vet about this and he suggested i put vaseline on her front paws. I…uh what? He explained further – vaseline is a non-toxic lubricant. If you put it on her paws, cats hate the feeling and will do the only thing they can do – lick it off. The vaseline will coat the throat and allow the hairball to get out.
I just stared at him for a minute before saying – that sounds incredibly logical, I’ll try it. Sure enough, a week later, she started hacking. I applied some vaseline and she gave me the death stare as she licked it off. But it worked and she got the hairball up and out. Fantastic! I repeated the process as needed over the next few weeks and it worked every time. But she hated it every time.
Yesterday, she started hacking. She looked at me. I looked at her, and like a rocket – she’s running away from me. I take off after her, she runs though an open door – my neighbour, a nice grandmother is sitting on her porch – all she sees is my cat running across the laws, me chasing her with a jar of vaseline going ’here kitty kitty!”
Don’t try this at home. Petroleum jelly should not be taken internally by cats or old people.
Young people haven’t heard of it.
Templo S.U.D. about 2 years ago
An approximate 40-metre waterfall in a Singaporean airport would gush how many litres an hour?
WCraft Premium Member about 2 years ago
I’ve had blood squirt out of my eyes after previewing a few offerings on NetFlix and Amazon Prime…
paranormal about 2 years ago
Just wait until a plane crashes into the Changi Airport waterfall and forest…
Buckeye67 about 2 years ago
I’ll bet the nearest restroom to that waterfall does land-office business.
Nicole ♫ ⊱✿ ◕‿◕✿⊰♫ Premium Member about 2 years ago
Sorry for being so late, it has been a busy week. Here’s an image of the knitted car: https://knithacker.com/2008/09/full-size-knit-ferrari/
pbr50138 almost 2 years ago
An indoor waterfall…what could possibly go wrong there?