I’m trying to stay away from ethnic jokes during these days of political correctness, so I’m again picking upon Swedes for the following:
Abe dies, leaving a will that stipulates $30,000 for an elaborate funeral. Asthe last of the visitors departs the services, his widow, Sarah, turns toher dearest friend, Sadie, and says, “Well, I think Abe would be pleased.”
“I’m sure you’re right,” replies Sadie, who then lowers her voice and leansin close. “How much did this really cost?”
“All of it,” says Sarah. “All thirty thousand.”
“No!” Sadie exclaims. “I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?”
Sarah replies, “Yes. The funeral was $6,500; I donated $500 to the synagogue,and the wake, food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for theMemorial Stone.”
Sadie computes quickly in her head and asks, “$22,500 for a Memorial Stone? My goodness,how big is it?”
An old man was living out his days in a nursing home. One day the nurse noticed he was sad and depressed.
She asked, “Is there something wrong?”
“Yes nurse,” the old man replied, “my private part died today, and I am very sad.”
Knowing her patients were sometimes a little senile she replied, “Oh, I’m sorry, please accept my condolences.”
The next day, the old man was walking down the hall with his private part hanging out of his pajamas. The nurse pulled him aside gently and said, “You shouldn’t be walking down the hall like that. Please put your private parts back inside your pajamas.”
“But nurse”, the old man protested, “I told you yesterday that my private part died!”
“Yes you did tell me that. But why is it hanging out of your pajamas?”
A New York attorney called his client, a wealthy art collector: “Bernie, | have some good news and I have some bad news.”
The art collector replied, “You know, I’ve had an awful day, Jack, so let’s hear the good news first.”
“Well, [ met with your wife today,” the lawyer said, “and she informed me that she has invested only $5,000 in two very nice pictures that she thinks will bring somewhere between $15 and $20 million … and I think she could be right.”
“Holy cow! Well done!” Bernie replied enthusiastically. “My wife is a brilliant business woman, isn’t she? You’ve just made my day. Now, | know I can handle the bad news. What is it?”
I doubt the bit about Tesla. He was supposed to be intelligent. What about “I’m sorry, I don’t like pearls, would you mind taking them out and keeping them in your purse? Then, you can keep up with your good work. Thank you.” Or “I hate pearls!! I’m glad SHE’s wearing them and not I!” :D
A guy was admitted to the hospital and he fell in love with one of his nurses.
She used to take care of him and was always very nice to him, always checking up on him and giving him extra attention compared to other patients. Therefore, the guy thought that the nurse was into him as well.
The guy was shy and couldn’t ask the nurse out on a date while he was hospitalized, but after he was discharged, he somehow managed to get the number of the nurse and messaged her.
“Hi, I’m the patient you looked after in Room 303. I’ve been thinking about it and I think you’ve stolen my heart”.
The nurse didn’t reply for two days and the patient was sure that he wouldn’t be getting any reply from her.
Then out of the blue, she replied: " Whatever you are accusing me of is not true. We only took one kidney out".
jasonsnakelover almost 2 years ago
Tikola Nesla If he hadn’t had such a strong phobia or whatever of pearls, he probably wouldn’t have died penniless.
May the Lord be with you.
eromlig almost 2 years ago
I’m trying to stay away from ethnic jokes during these days of political correctness, so I’m again picking upon Swedes for the following:
Abe dies, leaving a will that stipulates $30,000 for an elaborate funeral. Asthe last of the visitors departs the services, his widow, Sarah, turns toher dearest friend, Sadie, and says, “Well, I think Abe would be pleased.”
“I’m sure you’re right,” replies Sadie, who then lowers her voice and leansin close. “How much did this really cost?”
“All of it,” says Sarah. “All thirty thousand.”
“No!” Sadie exclaims. “I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?”
Sarah replies, “Yes. The funeral was $6,500; I donated $500 to the synagogue,and the wake, food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for theMemorial Stone.”
Sadie computes quickly in her head and asks, “$22,500 for a Memorial Stone? My goodness,how big is it?”
“Two and a half carats.”
pearlsbs almost 2 years ago
Here is some information about Jupiter’s Great Red Spot, if anyone cares to look at it.
https://www.nasa.gov/feature/goddard/2018/jupiters-great-red-spot-getting-taller-as-it-shrinks
Templo S.U.D. almost 2 years ago
So “statim” is from Latin?
The dude from FL Premium Member almost 2 years ago
So Venus red spot might be speeding up?
Charlie Fogwhistle almost 2 years ago
An old man was living out his days in a nursing home. One day the nurse noticed he was sad and depressed.
She asked, “Is there something wrong?”
“Yes nurse,” the old man replied, “my private part died today, and I am very sad.”
Knowing her patients were sometimes a little senile she replied, “Oh, I’m sorry, please accept my condolences.”
The next day, the old man was walking down the hall with his private part hanging out of his pajamas. The nurse pulled him aside gently and said, “You shouldn’t be walking down the hall like that. Please put your private parts back inside your pajamas.”
“But nurse”, the old man protested, “I told you yesterday that my private part died!”
“Yes you did tell me that. But why is it hanging out of your pajamas?”
“Well,” he replied, “Today is the viewing.”
Until next time.
LAFITZGERALD almost 2 years ago
Wow, the meaning & full version of STAT is unique!
Say What Now‽ Premium Member almost 2 years ago
Somebody send Dr. Pimple Popper to Jupiter, stat!
RabbitHole almost 2 years ago
A New York attorney called his client, a wealthy art collector: “Bernie, | have some good news and I have some bad news.”
The art collector replied, “You know, I’ve had an awful day, Jack, so let’s hear the good news first.”
“Well, [ met with your wife today,” the lawyer said, “and she informed me that she has invested only $5,000 in two very nice pictures that she thinks will bring somewhere between $15 and $20 million … and I think she could be right.”
“Holy cow! Well done!” Bernie replied enthusiastically. “My wife is a brilliant business woman, isn’t she? You’ve just made my day. Now, | know I can handle the bad news. What is it?”
“The pictures are of you and your secretary.”
FGWaiss almost 2 years ago
From “Short Circuit”: “Stat!” “What does that mean, anyway?” “I don’t know, but…”
James Wolfenstein almost 2 years ago
I doubt the bit about Tesla. He was supposed to be intelligent. What about “I’m sorry, I don’t like pearls, would you mind taking them out and keeping them in your purse? Then, you can keep up with your good work. Thank you.” Or “I hate pearls!! I’m glad SHE’s wearing them and not I!” :D
deathcheater almost 2 years ago
When I worked in a hospital, we used to joke that STAT meant: ’Sometime after tomorrow".
Huckleberry Hiroshima almost 2 years ago
I knew somebody in college who had a red spot that got smaller. Heck of a gal.
Take care, may famed dead battery collector Amos “My Slingshot Awaits” McJeffersord be with you, and gesundheit.
WCraft Premium Member almost 2 years ago
“Statim?” I learned something new. And, oddly, spell check doesn’t recognize it as a legitimate word!
Charlie Fogwhistle almost 2 years ago
It’s the 4th of July. Let the fireworks begin!
A guy was admitted to the hospital and he fell in love with one of his nurses.
She used to take care of him and was always very nice to him, always checking up on him and giving him extra attention compared to other patients. Therefore, the guy thought that the nurse was into him as well.
The guy was shy and couldn’t ask the nurse out on a date while he was hospitalized, but after he was discharged, he somehow managed to get the number of the nurse and messaged her.
“Hi, I’m the patient you looked after in Room 303. I’ve been thinking about it and I think you’ve stolen my heart”.The nurse didn’t reply for two days and the patient was sure that he wouldn’t be getting any reply from her.
Then out of the blue, she replied: " Whatever you are accusing me of is not true. We only took one kidney out".
Until next time.
jsimpso1 almost 2 years ago
Tesla had OCD that extended to preferring the number 3. The room in which he was found dead in a New York hotel 3327, located on the 33rd floor.
billwilliam20 almost 2 years ago
So what do sea monsters eat? Fish and ships
Stephen Gilberg almost 2 years ago
“Stet” is also Latin, but not an abbreviation.
pbr50138 almost 2 years ago
Why can’t they say “NOW” instead of STAT?