Comments (20) (Please sign in to comment)

1. 

   Linguist said, 3 months ago

   Another AT & T satisfied customer !
2. 

   win said, 3 months ago

   Hello and welcome to the Mental Health Hotline.

   If you are obsessive-compulsive: Press 1 repeatedly.
   If you are co-dependent: Ask someone to press 2 for you.
   If you have multiple personalities: Press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
   If you are paranoid: We know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
   If you are delusional: Press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
   If you are schizophrenic: Listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
   If you are manic-depressive: It doesn’t matter what number you press – no-one will answer.
   If you are dyslexic: Press 969696969696969696.
   If you have a nervous disorder: Please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line.
   If you have amnesia: Press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother’s maiden name.
   If you have short-term memory loss: Press 9.
   If you have short-term memory loss: Press 9.
   If you have short-term memory loss: Press 9. If you have short term memory loss: Press 9.
   If you have low self esteem: Please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you.
3. 

   Linux0s said, 3 months ago

   “I’d like to return this phone. Why? Because it’s a jerk, that’s why.”
4. 

   Bruno Zeigerts said, 3 months ago

   @win

   LMAO.
5. 

   Bruno Zeigerts said, 3 months ago

   If you are alive, press one. If you are currently deceased … press 2…
6. 

   pcolli said, 3 months ago

   @win

   “If you don’t think any of this applies to you, you’re out numbered.”
   “If you think you’ve heard this before, hang up and call back the first time.”
7. 

   win said, 3 months ago

   @pcolli

   If you are a stalker, breathe heavily into the phone and say nothing.
8. 

   SUSAN NEWMAN said, 3 months ago

   @win

   If you are depressed, just kill yourself and get it over with!
9. 

   emjaycee said, 3 months ago

   @win

   Anecdote from my youth ties in with your post. Way back in the 70s (bit of history for the young’uns here), speed dial was the hottest new thing for the touchtone phone (itself replacing the rotary dials): wow, program in a phone number, press one button instead of seven buttons (this before 10-digit dialing) and you were connected to your party.

   ---

   Our house was the local gathering place in the summer, since we had an in ground pool. One day, my sister and I and about a dozen of our friends were being more rambunctious than usual, running in and out of the house for the bathroom,get some toys, get the portable eight-track player for some outdoor tunes, driving mom towards the proverbial deep-end. She was in the kitchen making lunches when the phone rang. Instead of saying “Hello”, she answered with the name of the county mental hospital still operating at the time, how may I help you? She heard a very annoyed “Oh, sh!t” on the other end and then the phone went dead.

   ---

   She didn’t think about the phone call much until a couple days later when talking to my dad’s boss (also a friend of the family), when his family came to the house to swim one afternoon. The adults got to talking about new technology (ooooh, cable tv!) when my dad’s boss said the new phone he bought was not worth cr@p and how, after he programmed in our phone number and called dad for a job spec, he got the mental health hospital. He ripped the phone from the wall jack, drove straight to Sears and returned his brand new but defective phone.

   ---

   Mom finally told him a couple of weeks later, after he got a new phone that actually would connect to our house. He wasn’t too happy, but we all still get a chuckle from it these decades later.
10. 

    Ms. Ima said, 3 months ago

    The last land line in the world. Of course it is going to get all the calls that used to be spread between billions of people.
11. 

    masterskrain said, 3 months ago

    Where my house is located in between several mountains, I don’t get any cell service at all. I have to use a land line unless I am in my car traveling.
12. 

    The Wolf In Your Midst said, 3 months ago

    Card services? Have you been running up some charges we should know about, Yer Maj?
13. 

    nazzofoggenmach said, 3 months ago

    favorite recording: “if you’d like to make a call, hang up the phone”.
14. 

    Kali39 said, 3 months ago

    I wondered when Heather would show up.
    …
    If you don’t know what we’re not doing, press one. If we don’t know what we’re not doing, press two. If you want us to jump up and down like a twit, sorry, you will need to call 1-800-get-jumpy…
    …
    If we don’t know anything, press six. [beep] Hello, this is Microsoft!
15. 

    Meowlin said, 3 months ago

    “…this is you last opportunity to lower your interest rate…”

    Is that a promise?
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