Richard's Poor Almanac by Richard Thompson for March 01, 2017
lonesome pine. moody and neurotic. a poor choice for holiday depressives. off-gassing balsam. exudes a piney scent that can erode your sinuses in seconds. mmmm-fresh! cubist fir. so asymmetri-cal it no longer inhabits euclidean space. and just try turnng it so the bad side is against the wall. oop: agh! my eye! widowmaker spruce spikey, venomous needles. good challenge for extreme decoration enthusiasts. pine: ptui haughty pine, rejects ornaments not handmade by old bavarian craftsmen that cost a small fortune. early warning fir. keels over in a faint in the event of a nation-al emergency. unhelpful.