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Mar 9, 2012
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second in a series of government information brochures
your government, working for you!
hello!
you've been targeted for a united states drone assassination!
greetings, u.s. citizen!
if you received this brochure in the mail, or found it mysteriously in your coat pocket or on your pillow, this means your united states government has decided to kill you!
you have three days to turn in your u.s. passport to the nearest u.s. embassy or post office.
after saying final prayers over your koran or other holy text, pelase place the book in a safe place to avoid it getting vaporized on your body during assassination.
(we are mindful of your religious sensitivites!)
when you hear the buzzing of the assassination drone:
please step away from nearby buildings.
please instruct passerby to keep a distance of 30-40 yards.
please stand up straight to maximize vertical target.
frequently asked questions
q. wait. what?
a. ha-ha. don't be coy. the president has decided you are a terrorist (for definition, see form 357-t *) and sentenced you to death.
q. what if he's wrong? what are the charges? what about "due process"?
a. when we're at war, the word "due" is defined as: "we're at war, you filthy animal, you don't get any". (see form 1384-d *)
q. what if i'm far from any battlefield?
a. the battlefield n the global war on terrorism is "literally everywhere". (see form 482-b *)
q. what if the president is a former constitutional law professor?
a. write up an essay, and keep it on your person in a metal box. the cia clean-uup crew will find it in the wreckage, and it will be read and graded.
did you know...?
the war on terrorism has changed the nature of your constitutional rights.
this will persist until the united states has signed a peace treaty with the concept of terrorism.
*you can not see these forms.
Mar 23, 2012
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