Tom the Dancing Bug by Ruben Bolling for November 26, 2000
News of the Times U.S Sends Troops, Humanitarian Aid to U.S. The world's sole superpower, THE UNITED STATES, sent troops into THE UNITED STATES, a third world country mired in political chaos caused by a fatally tainted election. Marines left from North Carolina and, upon arrival in the U.S., set up base in "Camp Lejeune," a site chosen for its location and its existing military facilities. U.S. President BILL CLINTON explained the operation -- Bill: We can't have this political instability in our own back yard. We're gonna learn 'em some DEMOCRACY! Claims of ELECTION FRAUD and IRREGULARITIES should not be surprising in this backwater democracy... Lady: ...And the arrow looked like it was pointing at Gore... Soldier: I'll need you to just take a blanket, ma'am. The U.S.'s increasing economic disparity and it's insistence on such barbaric customs as capital punishment relegate it to third world status. As U.S. Secretary of State Madeleine Albright explains... Madeleine: This misbegotten banana republic can't even offer its citizens decent public education or health care! Conferences with local purported leaders have revealed a pathetically archaic legal and electoral system. Man 1: I called "do-over"! Man 2: But I called "No do-overs"! Anchor: When will the marines withdraw? Some say there's no way to know... But we at "News of the Times" now project a withdrawal in two weeks! And we also now project the Minnesota Vikings the winners of Super Bowl XXXV! Congrats, Vikings!
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