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Tom the Dancing Bug by Ruben Bolling

Tom the Dancing Bug by Ruben Bolling Did You Know? This week -- CHICAGO! Unless you live within 90 miles of this bustling metropolis, you probably can go a decade without a non-sports-related thought about Chicago... Chicago is a world-class city! From its kielbasa to its Polish sausages, it's well-known as the city that's particularly windy!! If you exclude certain other buildings, Chicago's Sears Tower is the largest building in the WORLD! Michael Jordan played basketball in Chicago because when his college career ended, N.B.A. rules forced him to! Tom Cruise has been to Chicago! In Chicago, softball is played with a ball 33% larger than an ordinary softball... ...no one can offer an explanation for this pointless behavior. Chicagoans claim to have the BEST PIZZA in the country! If you laid all Chicagoans down shoulder-to-shoulder, the width of the line would exceed 6 ft. in some places. In fact this product is not pizza at all, but some sort of bread-based lasagna-food. Certain exterior scenes in various television programs and motion pictures were shot in Chicago! Chicago enjoys a good-natured rivalry with L.A. and New York City! Meanwhile, L.A. and New York City enjoy a good-natured rivalry with each other. It would take a bit of research to refute the assertion that KEN BERRY IS FROM CHICAGO!

Tom the Dancing Bug by Ruben Bolling

Tom the Dancing Bug by Ruben Bolling A Million Little Barrels A Story of Addiction George W. bush Addicted to oil. Starting each day in a frenzied search for a fix. George W. Bush: Oil...Oil... My addiction draws me into unsavory associations. But it must be fed. George W. Bush: I'm jonesin', man. People try to reach me. But me and my friends are just too far gone. Man: Shouldn't we be lessening our dependency on oil? Dick Cheney: You WUSS! That's for the personal virtuers! Anything to maintain the flow. A supplier gets threatening with WMDs, and I go ballistic. George W. Bush: I'm taking on Saddam! IT'S GO TIME! It's a blood fight, but I win, dammit! I find myself on an aircraft carrier. MISSION ACCOMP George W. Bush: Aargh! Who's next?! I'm one BAD mother!! I keep buying oil in bad neighborhoods. When evil-doers start hounding me, I take steps to protect myself. Man: Is that wiretapping constitutional? George W. Bush: Shut up! I got a warrant! 12 steps?! For WIMPS! I've totally quit on my OWN! Or...I WILL...cut it down...quite a bit...by 2025 for sure. Publisher's Disclaimer Since publishing this "memoir," several facts have come to light that require explanation: 1. This story was a subjective truth, remembered through an oil-haze. 2. "Saddam" was a composite character. 3. His possession of WMDs was an "emotional truth," not the "actual truth." 4. The warrants for wiretapping were an embellishment added to enhance dramatic tension. And a coping mechanism. But not a lie.

Tom the Dancing Bug by Ruben Bolling

Tom the Dancing Bug by Ruben Bolling So... You've been Indefinitely Detained! An information sheet for U.S. citizens from your United States of America government Welcome to the Barack H. Obama Indefinite Detention Center! You're here because someone in the U.S. government determined that you work for al-Qaeda or the Taliban. Or that you substantially supported them, or an associated group, or whatever and whatnot. You might be wondering who determined this, and on what basis. Suspicious activities You have no right to this information, which is why you've been given this sheet instead. You will find in your cell a toothbrush, a Koran, and your schedule of interrogation sessions. Please be assured, interrogation techniques will not cross the threshold of "torture-ish." Frequently Asked Questions, Which You'll Have Plenty of Time to Contemplate: Q. Doesn't America have a Bill of Rights? A. Yes, and upon request, we can replace your Koran with a copy of the U.S. Constitution as your sole reading material. Q. Have I been disappeared? A. People aren't "disappeared" in America! Only in lawless dictatorships can intransitive verbs be used to make passive verb forms. Q. Isn't this very wrong? A. That's just the kind of thing an Enemy of America would say. What are your relatives' addresses Never mind. We know. Q. I was grabbed at a T.G.I.F.'s and put in the back of a van. Were the fried mozzarella sticks I was eating paid for? A. This is a nation of laws, not men! T.G.I.F.'s has been fully compensated, and your waitstaff tipped 18.5%. But here's the good news: The U.S. can only hold you until the end of "hostilities"! So the minute the Prime Minister of al-Qaeda signs a peace treaty, and no bad guys do or plan anything under its name ever again, YOU'LL BE EITHER TRIED OR RELEASED! Please read our next informational brochure for U.S. Citizens: "So Your Website Has Been Permanently Eradicated Without Explanation by a Shadowy Government Agent Under SOPA."

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Tom the Dancing Bug by Ruben Bolling

Tom the Dancing Bug by Ruben Bolling Billy Dare Boy Adventurer with Quentin in Smugglers' Cape Ch. VIXI: "Murder In The Parlor" Billy: And so, I've called you all in here because I've SOLVED the mystery of Lord Bartelsham's murder! Billy: Lady Bartelsham -- your husband was preparing to divorce you. And now you stand to inherit millions! Billy: So, you COULDN'T be the murderer! It would be too OBVIOUS! Billy: Bartelsham's best friend, Col. Tomkinson -- you secretly despised him for kicking you off the cricket team back at Chetnam. Billy: But that had to be a RED HERRING. It was revealed too EARLY in the story! Billy: And the faithful servant, Miss Chiddingfold. You had the opportunity, the means and motive! Billy: Yet it COULDN'T be you, because here is the denouement, and your character hasn't been sufficiently developed. Miss Chiddingfold: It's true. I barely appeared in the story. Billy: So, with all three possible suspects ruled out, only one solution remains! Billy: This isn't a MURDER MYSTERY at all! Billy: It's a SCIENCE FICTION story! This parlor is a clever illusion! Billy: But wait! These aliens are crudely and unimaginatively DRAWN! Could it be that this is REALLY...a satirical comic strip?! Next: ESCAPE from the LOWEST genre!

Tom the Dancing Bug by Ruben Bolling

Tom the Dancing Bug by Ruben Bolling Married Ladies: I'll Give You What Your Husbands DON'T ...For A Price We meet discreetly at a hotel, the room registered under my name. Your husband will never know. I'll cook the dinner. Just you and I -- no Blackberries, iPhones, sports scores, or beer. Man: I know how you like artichokes... Can your husband converse like this - Man: Oh, perfect! She's the one who couldn't be bothered to drop Timmy off after the sleepover! Woman: I know! Or this - Man: She said WHAT? Last month, your mother couldn't WAIT to visit Sharon! Woman: That's right! Building to this - Man: Now, I've been thinking about afterschool activities for the fall. First, for Jenna, there's an art class... Woman: Ohh Finally, to bed. Here's where I REALLY know just what you want. What you need. I turn out the lights, lean over, and whisper: CLICK Man: You've had a hard day. You should go right to sleep. Woman: ZZZ Just leave the money on the dresser. I'll clean up and take the garbage out.

Tom the Dancing Bug by Ruben Bolling

Tom the Dancing Bug by Ruben Bolling "The Education of Louis" Boy: Hey, Louis. You waiting for your ride? Louis: Huh? Yeah. Boy: What'd you just stuff into your pockets there? Louis: My pockets? Louis: Oh, these. Yeah, they're collector's items I'm going to sell on eBay. I was examining their condition. Boy: What are they? Louis: They're called figures or figurines or something, from the Star Wars movies. careful. Boy: Huh. How much you get for 'em? Boy #2: Lemme. Louis: Well, I bought them for $15 from a dude in Summit... Louis: I'm pretty sure I'll get $50. Boy: Fifty bucks?! Louis: Yeah, it's sort of a side business. Boy: Sweet. Boy #2: Not even in-box! Louis: Yeah, I guess some doofuses really go for this stuff. Boy: Well, it's not really $35 profit -- who pays shipping? Louis: Um, eBay pays for shipping. Yeah, so it's total profit. Boy: You think you could get me in on this kind of thing? Louis: We could talk about it. Boy #1: Cool. See ya, Maltby. Boy #2: $35! Sounds like bull. Louis: Yeah. Louis: Whew. Louis: Look out! Noooo! Pow!

Tom the Dancing Bug by Ruben Bolling

Tom the Dancing Bug by Ruben Bolling The Fight For Corporate Rights America's Shame 2099 NERREX, Inc. Girl: Daddy, in this old story, a company goes bankrupt. What's BANKRUPT? Father: Oh, honey. Father: In the early 21st century, corporations were thought of as merely THINGS...defined legally as "persons", but an INFERIOR class, with less rights than you and I. At that time, if they were in failing health, corporations would be allowed to go bankrupt...to die! CEO: We did all we could. CEO #2: It's...gone. But two wise and brave presidents stopped the carnage and gave failing corporations bailouts -- Monument To Corporate Rights 2075 A corporation would not be left to die again. Father: America then couldn't afford health care for it's so-called NATURAL reasons, but this was a step toward righting centuries of discrimination. Then, in 2010, in a landmark decision, the Supreme Court ruled that corporations have full first amendment rights. Judge: Speak freely, corporations. The struggle was long and hard-fought, but eventually America recognized that corporations truly are PEOPLE! WE SHALL OVERCAPITALIZE LEGAL "FICTIONS" BUT THEIR FEELINGS ARE REAL CORP. POWER Father: And today corporations are valued citizens with the same rights as anyone. Now say goodnight to your mommy and go to bed! Girl: Goodnight, the Dow Chemical Company! I love you! The End

Tom the Dancing Bug by Ruben Bolling

Tom the Dancing Bug by Ruben Bolling "The Education of Louis" Boy: Hey, Louis. You waiting for your ride? Louis: Huh? Yeah. Boy: What'd you just stuff into your pockets there? Louis: My pockets? Louis: Oh, these. Yeah, they're collector's items I'm going to sell on eBay. I was examining their condition. Boy: What are they? Louis: They're called figures or figurines or something, from the Star Wars movies. careful. Boy: Huh. How much you get for 'em? Boy #2: Lemme. Louis: Well, I bought them for $15 from a dude in Summit... Louis: I'm pretty sure I'll get $50. Boy: Fifty bucks?! Louis: Yeah, it's sort of a side business. Boy: Sweet. Boy #2: Not even in-box! Louis: Yeah, I guess some doofuses really go for this stuff. Boy: Well, it's not really $35 profit -- who pays shipping? Louis: Um, eBay pays for shipping. Yeah, so it's total profit. Boy: You think you could get me in on this kind of thing? Louis: We could talk about it. Boy #1: Cool. See ya, Maltby. Boy #2: $35! Sounds like bull. Louis: Yeah. Louis: Whew. Louis: Look out! Noooo! Pow!

Tom the Dancing Bug by Ruben Bolling

Tom the Dancing Bug by Ruben Bolling The Fight For Corporate Rights America's Shame 2099 NERREX, Inc. Girl: Daddy, in this old story, a company goes bankrupt. What's BANKRUPT? Father: Oh, honey. Father: In the early 21st century, corporations were thought of as merely THINGS...defined legally as "persons", but an INFERIOR class, with less rights than you and I. At that time, if they were in failing health, corporations would be allowed to go bankrupt...to die! CEO: We did all we could. CEO #2: It's...gone. But two wise and brave presidents stopped the carnage and gave failing corporations bailouts -- Monument To Corporate Rights 2075 A corporation would not be left to die again. Father: America then couldn't afford health care for it's so-called NATURAL reasons, but this was a step toward righting centuries of discrimination. Then, in 2010, in a landmark decision, the Supreme Court ruled that corporations have full first amendment rights. Judge: Speak freely, corporations. The struggle was long and hard-fought, but eventually America recognized that corporations truly are PEOPLE! WE SHALL OVERCAPITALIZE LEGAL "FICTIONS" BUT THEIR FEELINGS ARE REAL CORP. POWER Father: And today corporations are valued citizens with the same rights as anyone. Now say goodnight to your mommy and go to bed! Girl: Goodnight, the Dow Chemical Company! I love you! The End

Tom the Dancing Bug by Ruben Bolling

Tom the Dancing Bug by Ruben Bolling Baby: It has come to our attention that "Tom the Dancing Bug" has been lagging behind other comic strips in the "CUTE SAYINGS" department! Well, we want to be scotch-taped to bulletin boards, refrigerators and monitors TOO! Hence, feel free to clip and post these offerings! IN THE WORST THING ABOUT MONDAYS IS... Realizing that not only are the five days ahead going to be a mind-numbing, soul-squashing, empty and futile charade, but blaming your all-consuming misery on your job is a self-deluding exercise, since even your life away from work has been a relentless series of crushing disappointments and humiliating failures. IF YOU WANT IT RIGHT AWAY, ask someone who gives a flying frig about his job to do it! I don't. Housework is like an open gash on your leg which has been untreated for two weeks and has festering open sores and bubbling green pus on it. They both STINK!
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