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Rip Haywire by Dan Thompson

Narrator: Cobra falls into the clutches of ferocious fiends. Guard: Talk! Where's Haywire's extraction point? Cobra Carson: N-not water-boarding! Guard: We have newsworthy ways of making you talk. Cobra Carson: Bring on the H2O! Guard: Better! A DVD film festival... of every Matthew McConaughey movie ever made.

Rip Haywire by Dan Thompson

Narrator: At the extraction point. Man: Ace work, Haywire, now let's vamoose! Rip Haywire: No, I left one of my team behind. I'm going back for Cobra. Man: Cobra Carson? Ditch that snake! That plane-now! That's an order, soldier! TNT: Will there be a meal on this flight? Or just a light snack?

Rip Haywire by Dan Thompson

Rip Haywire: There's the lab where the agents worked. Let's go inside and search for clues. TNT: Rip, gun! Rip Haywire: Hit the deck! Does your life flash before your eyes at times like this, TNT? TNT: Kibble, Hannah Montana and raw fear. Yep, it sure did.

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Rip Haywire by Dan Thompson

Narrator: Rip and TNT are pinned down by gunfire at the bio-warfare lab, when suddenly... Rip Narrator: They're reloading! time to make our move! It's a hottie! You're gonna be ok. Woman: S.K.U.L.L. S.K.U.L.L. S.K.U.L.L. S.K.U.L.L. ! TNT: It's an acronym. You don't have to spell out each letter!

Rip Haywire by Dan Thompson

Rip Haywire: Why didn't G.U.N.S. tell us that one of the agents had a wife? It doesn't add up. TNT: She's a sweetie, Rip. She's telling the truth, I'd bet my life on it. Rip Haywire: Watch out, TNT! TNT: Which is why I never play the powerball.

Rip Haywire by Dan Thompson

Narrator: Danger alert! With blinding speed, a grizzly mommy mauls an evildoer in Rip's custody. Rip tries to save her, but the officially EPA-designated threatened creature slashes his manly frame! But then, from out of nowhere, TNT leaps on the bear's back, saving Rip's life! But then, from...um... TNT: I'm stretching! You want me to pull a hamstring or something?

Rip Haywire by Dan Thompson

Narrator: Alaskan animal attack! TNT attacks a killer grizzly about to kill rip. Rip's life is saved! TNT: I'm here for you, provider of Nutritional dog treats! Narrator: The grizzly swats TNT away like a rag doll! She spins and tries to sink her fangs into the uncharacteristically heroic dog!! Finally: The denouement. TNT: This is how we treat predators where I'm from! Bear: Call the aclu! Or mark trail!

Rip Haywire by Dan Thompson

Narrator: Last week! ...Rip tracks down S.K.U.L.L. to an L.A. High-rise where the deadly bio-germ is being kept! Mac Cactus: Rip! Yer loco! We're 70 stories up! Rip Haywire: I don't habla chickenese. CRASH! Man: Haywire! Kill him! Rip Haywire: Time to knock your S.K.U.L.L. in! Man: Wow, wordplay!?! Been taking night classes Haywire?

Rip Haywire by Dan Thompson

Rip Haywire: Ow! My tender broken ribs! Man: As I beat the life out of you, Haywire... I'd like to tell you I've dispatched your precious Cobra-and that sniveling Mutt! Narrator: Is this the end for our hero? Man: This is the end, Rip Haywire! Rip Haywire: You'll be sorry you said that-tomorrow!

Rip Haywire by Dan Thompson

Narrator: Rip is about to be snuffed by the deadly, disfiguring disease, when Mac Cactus races to his rescue. Mac Cactus: RIP! Man: AUGH! My beautiful face! SWAPPY! Man: It burns! It burns! Does no one have some noxzema?
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