Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal by Zach Weinersmith for November 16, 2016
According to recent scientific analysis, eating bacon causes cancer. Tragically as a newscaster I am unable to understand the difference between the questions, does an effect exist? And how strong is the effect? Therefore, I have categorized all things into causes cancer and does not cause cancer. Anything increasing the risk of cancer, no matter how minor the effect, will be treated as scary and important. For instance, the fact that I am bald means the people around me get a slightly higher dose of radiation from my body than they would if I wore a toupee. I, Steve Jennings, newscaster... Cause cancer!