Richard's Poor Almanac by Richard Thompson for July 04, 2020
tainted food blamed in death of former child star w.a. mozart, 35, died december 5, 1791 after a brief illness former child star, instrumentalist & com-poser wolfgang amadeus mozart is now thought to have succumbed to a fatal case of trichinosis, most likely contract-ed by eating a jar of vienna sausages past its expiration date. mozart's symptoms are consistent with trichinosis according to an article pub-lished in the most recent issue of the archives ofinternal medicine. "vienna is famous for two things," it says, "the musical genius of mozart, haydn & beethoven and the superlative quality of its miniature pickled hot dogs. that the two should collide so fatally is terribly funny - ironic! we mean ironic." the late w.a. mozart sippy tippy mozart as clavier prodigy, c. 1759. further evidence of the snack's culpability is found in a letter mozart addressed to his wife just before he was stricken. "what luck! i've found a jar of vienna sausages way back in the cupboard! how long ago was august 4, 1790? no matter! giu il porto (down the hatch)!" for more than 200 years mozart's premature death has been the subject of speculation. causes such as heart disease, rheumatic fever & an afflic-tion of divine afflatus have all been suggested. rumors that mozart's rival, the musical archfiend antonio salieri, had tried for years to kill mozart inspired an opera by rimsky-korsakov, plays by pushkin & shaffer and the long-running saturday morning cartoon series "moe 'n' sali." salieri: i've baked you a pie! mozart: what a pal! "moe 'n' sali"