Richard's Poor Almanac by Richard Thompson for December 20, 2018

Transcript:

richard's poor almanac vines by richard thompson man: ah! this varietal shows floral notes in the nose with a leather finish. vine: wienie. for millenia, vines have bid-ed their time, waging an un-derground war on humanity, gnawing at our infrastructure, subverting us into effete wine-fancying decadents. ivy league school slowly, insidiously, vines have crept into every niche of human culture, even gain-ing a stranglehold on our in-stitutions of higher learning. now, as one, the vines will strike. because now the increased carbon dioxide levels causing global warming are pumping the vines up, like a vast shot of steroids. kudzu: oof. already, highly aggressive creepers, unstoppable kudzu & extra-toxic poison ivy are swamping the ecosystem, smother all before them! soon a vine super-colony will blanket the earth, choking every landmass! then what will humanity do to survive? gardener: look! i made a humvee! woman: cool! now make a plasma-screen tv! i'd suggest topiary.