Richard's Poor Almanac by Richard Thompson for December 15, 2015
Lonesome Pine Moody and neurotic. A poor choice for holiday depressives. Off-Gassing Balsam. Exudes a piney scent that can erode your sinuses and seconds. Mmmmm-fresh! Cubist Fir. So asymmetrical it no longer inhabits Euclidean space. And just tried turning it so the bad side is against the wall. Agh! My eye! Widow maker Spruce Spiky, venomous needles. Good challenge for extreme decoration enthusiast. Haughty Pine. Rejects ornaments not handmade by old barbarian craftsman that cost a small fortune. Early Warning Fir. Keels over in a faint in the event of a National Emergency. Unhelpful.