Richard's Poor Almanac by Richard Thompson for November 06, 2014
toy: i'm that toy you wanted when you were six & found on ebay for a small fortune. give him a certified check or money order for $235.oo. neighbor: i'm the quiet guy down the street who turns out to be a serial killer! that's so cute! give him 3 fun-size snickers! call your spouse in! reporter: i'm a tv reporter. are you at risk of a possibly fatal build-up of volatile pumpkin fumes? give her one stale easter peep. tiny: i'm either very tiny or very far away! little smartass! throw hard candy at him! unreasoning fear: i'm the spirit of unreasoning fear! red alert! boil your water! boil your mail! tell him you don't give candy to strangers! wait-should we boil the mail? reasoning fear: i'm the spirit of somewhat more reasoning fear. it's ok. so far so good. no loud noises or sudden moves. heh heh. blow out the pumpkin & close the door. maybe she'll go away.