Richard's Poor Almanac by Richard Thompson for April 08, 2013
crippling self-consciousness alert april is crippling self-consciousness awareness month. millions of americans suffer from csc. take a good long look at yourself. you may be at risk! do you begin to sweat when strangers watch you eat? remember, you'll never look sillier than when you're chewing! do you touch your face a lot to make certain your features are fully intact? are you doing it right now? do you suddenly become aware of how your voice sounds, causing your syntax to tangle and your sentences to disintegrate? man: who's a good boy, huh? who's a. uh. wha a goo. who's a dog. boyagh agh a hrrn. is this problem exacerbated by public speaking in any form? woman: two super cheezie nacho beef chimachimacheefa nacho chimpaanza chabee. twobee. and a. two those. angahrrn agha hrrn. speaker: you want a drink with that? if you answered "yes" to any of the above, you should try these simple yet effective steps: 1. stay home. 2. check your features regularly. 3. keep a third-person anrrative of your life running in your head at all times. 4. speaking with an accent, like irsh or jamaican. 5. always void the um. maybe or! not! those uhh. thing. ok forget i said. agh hrrn.