Luann by Greg Evans

Luann

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  1. Leviticus

    Leviticus GoComics PRO Member said, almost 2 years ago

    Santa’s Magical Flight
    .
    Well, the time is upon us. Tonight, Santa makes his flight around the world, delivering goodies to all the little good boys and girls. I got to thinking, that is some job. I pulled out the calculator and punched in the numbers and came to a startling conclusion. Santa hauls @$$. The population of the world is a little over 7 billion. I realize Santa does not visit the entire world. If his sled was to enter the air space of countries like China or North Korea, those reindeer would have to duck and swerve to avoid the antiaircraft flak and missiles. There would be dozens of MIGS out to knock them out of the sky. There are countries that will have nothing to do with Santa and would burn him at the stake if he fell into their clutches. The way I figure it, Santa has to be satisfied with the Western Hemisphere, Western Europe, Oceania, along with Australia and New Zealand. Africa is tricky. Half the area would welcome him and the other half stand him in front of a firing squad. I decided to give him half of Africa to visit, and to make it easy for him, made it the western half. According to a population website, the population of this group comes to about 2,000,000,000. Families come in various sizes, from 1 to dozens. This is completely arbitrary on my part, but I selected an average family size of 4. 2 billion divided by 4 means Santa gets to visit 500,000,000 homes. As to the distance he travels, he visits several continents and soars across oceans. In places like New York and Mexico City, families live with only a 4 inch wall separating them. A few families live miles from the nearest neighbor. A far larger percentage of the population live in metropolitan areas compared to the solitary families miles from anyone else. Taking in the oceans and the vast areas of wilderness and also the huge cities, again assigning a completely arbitrary number, I chose an average distance on 100 feet between families. Visiting 500,000,000 families at 100 feet apart means Santa travels 50,000,000,000 feet or approximately 9,470,000 miles. Assuming Santa starts as soon as it is dark and travels from east to west to get the most night he can, he has available 24 hours of night. Moving 9,470,000 miles is 24 hours means he will travel at about 394,583 miles an hour, but since he will use half his time delivering presents, he may reach speeds as high as 789,166 MPH. 500,000,000 families visited in 24 hours also means he has to slide down 5,787 chimneys a second, but once more since his delivery time is only 12 hours, at times he will be going down 11,574 chimneys per second. I do not want to even contemplate the G force he has to withstand with all the instant starts and stops. Here is where it gets complicated. There are about a dozen homes, (my best guess) that will have a young lady looking like Toni or perhaps Edda from 9 Chickweed, wearing slinky lingerie, wanting to get some extra nice presents from Santa and will not mind being put on the naughty list to get them. If Santa takes 10 minutes in each of these homes instead of 1 twelve thousandth of a second, the whole timing is thrown off and I do not have the energy to see what he has to do to make up that lost time.
    Santa indeed has some magic up his red sleeve. Merry Christmas to all.
    .
    Leviticus

  2. Brdshtt

    Brdshtt GoComics PRO Member said, almost 2 years ago

    Luann is so wrapped up in herself…

  3. Night-Gaunt49

    Night-Gaunt49 said, almost 2 years ago

    @Leviticus

    He doesn’t fly the world, not for 200 years, he beams the presents to every house and hovel.

  4. Night-Gaunt49

    Night-Gaunt49 said, almost 2 years ago

    Absence makes the heart grow fonder. And Luann’s heart for Quill is at its fondest right now.

  5. ChihuahuaMama

    ChihuahuaMama said, almost 2 years ago

    @Leviticus

    Don’t forget to allow time for milk and cookies left at most houses.

  6. PonyToast

    PonyToast said, almost 2 years ago

    @Leviticus

    Santa is a timelord. His sleigh is a TARDIS.

  7. oldcomicsfan

    oldcomicsfan said, almost 2 years ago

    I think Santa Claus is a woman….I hate to be the one to defy a sacred myth, but I believe he’s a she. Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!

    For starters, the vast majority of men don’t even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. On this count alone, I’m convinced Santa is a woman.

    Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag.

    Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen’s rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist.

    Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he’d still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.

    Other reasons why Santa can’t possibly be a man:

    Men can’t pack a bag.
    Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
    Men would feel their masculinity is threatened…having to be seen with all those elves.
    Men don’t answer their mail.
    Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in jest as anything remotely resembling a “bowlful of jelly.”
    Men aren’t interested in stockings unless somebody’s wearing them.
    Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women.
    Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.

    I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men………

    Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous — definite guy.
    Cupid flies around carrying weapons.
    Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers.

    Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test. But not St. Nick. Not a chance.

  8. TEMPLO S.U.D.

    TEMPLO S.U.D. said, almost 2 years ago

    Did Quill give the parcel to Santa on his sleigh of six white boomers? (I’m not Aussie, but I learned of the “Six White Boomers” Aussie Xmas song at a Xmas party last year or the year before; there was an Aussie in my LDS ward.)

  9. Angelalex242

    Angelalex242 said, almost 2 years ago

    …Well, Luann does have reason to think it’s for her…her boyfriend, and all. But it might be some kind of board game, where it is indeed for a family, because Luann couldn’t, no matter how much she wants, use it alone.

  10. Brdshtt

    Brdshtt GoComics PRO Member said, almost 2 years ago

    @Leviticus

    Excellent post, Lev.

    You know, all that got me to thinking. Very close to us on one of the national highways, between two off – ramps there is a long hill. If you approach the hill with the cruise control ‘off’ and your foot steady on the accelerator pedal, as an example, you would approach the hill at 70 miles per hour. Once you have reached the crest (that’s the top, Donny), you will have lost about two miles per hour and are now going 68 miles per hour. When you reach the bottom at the other side of the hill, your speed has increased by four miles per hour which would put you at 72 miles per hour, for a net gain of 2 miles per hour. Now, discounting drag, fueling stops, escape velocity, sleep, and wear of the tires, I figure that if you had a string of these hills forming an endless circle around the planet, gaining 2 miles per hour per hill, you would eventually reach the speed of light. Just sayin’….

  11. Brdshtt

    Brdshtt GoComics PRO Member said, almost 2 years ago

    @ Luann

    .

    Just open the box already…

  12. Mikeyj

    Mikeyj said, almost 2 years ago

    It’s a box of Kangaroo steaks with Koala balls on the side

  13. Mikeyj

    Mikeyj said, almost 2 years ago

    But, on the serious side, my guess is he sent them the finished recordings of the music he and Luann did together.

  14. The Old Wolf

    The Old Wolf GoComics PRO Member said, almost 2 years ago

    There’s the 16-year-old!

  15. firedome

    firedome said, almost 2 years ago

    if takahashi-sama ever needs a temp artist, i know who i’d suggest

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