Tom the Dancing Bug by Ruben Bolling for May 05, 2007
want to fight global warning without changing your carbon-spewing lifestyle? you can't! but we can make you feel like you can! here's how it works- carbon offsets "r" us 1 you pay us a few hundred bucks 2 we split your money with some company that already had plans to reduce its carbon emissions or maybe we'll just plant some trees in a deforested woodland where they would have grown anyway. 3 then we show you some fuzzy math. co2 + ch4 / ypi < 5mpg x 10k ft2 = green 4 and you can continue your hard-chargin' way on the environmental high road! our satisfied customers "now i can walk my carbon-neutral footprint all over my energy-guzzling mansion!" -a. gore, nashville, tenn. "i travel in my caravan of hummers and in my private jet, but i'm still a green governor. hasta la vista, critics. get it?" -a. schwarzenegger sacramento, calif. and try these other services-- @$#-hole offsets "r" us go ahead, be as big an @$#-hole as you want! we'll pay some poor jerk to be extra-nice! asshole: outta my way! nice jerk: you first! your net impact will be @$#-hole neutral! war offsets "r" us (a division of the u.s. government) you support the war, but there's no way you or your kids are going to iraq! just pay your taxes, and we'll pay some working-class shmoe to go! your war-positive footprint will be all over iraq!
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