Ted Rall for November 23, 2000
What happens next? A citizen's guide to presidential succession. When you vote for president, you're actually voting for the team of lawyers representing the candidate of your choice. Listen, dude: this is democracy. If applications for manual, visual and psychedelic recounts are completed by December 18th, the president-elect assumes office. I demand right of primogeniture-ship! Until a bona fide president is selected, whichever white house staffer gets to the big desk first takes over. If injunctions can be acted upon in accordance with the orders of a close relative of the candidate, the military establishes a committee for public security until democracy can be risked. The absentee ballots must be protected! If not: The board of supervisors of Montgomery county, Ohio, meets at Mrs. Whitaker's house. A straw poll determines whether the Dixie Chicks or the backstreet boys rock harder. What about 'N Sync? It's amazing that Lincoln thought of this when he wrote the articles of confederation. In caseof a tie vote: Finally, if the full house of representatives fails to vote 78% to 14% with 8% abstentions for the new president, the U.S. ambassador to Tunisia casts the deciding vote. He's on the other line. Can I take a message? Officials of CBS, ABC, NBC, CNN, MSNBC and Fox News maintain crisis coverage until the next four-year election. Stay tuned.