Ted Rall for April 08, 1999
Instant war E-Z kit So you're starting a war. Congratulations! But those soaring popularity ratings don't come without hitting all the basics of postmodern militarism... Make it personal. Choose one quote from the following: "Is worse than hitler!" "Same guy makes Hitler look mellow!" "If Hitler were still around today, he'd hang out with him again!" Keep it simple. Choose one of these comfort-inducing statements: Don't worry - we're not sending ground troops. It's only bombs for now. No Americans will die. Their army sucks. Know your stuff. Bombing the wrong country is tacky and can hurt those polls! Bombs go here. You are here. There's always the nukes. No nukes, no superpower! Don't forget those launch codes, and remember - Mr. President! You can't nuke Serbia - the Serbs are white! Oops. Good luck, and happy warring!