Ted Rall for May 12, 1997
The eugenics of Smoking. The food and drug administration is now regulating tobacco as a drug. Since it's a poison, it's only a matter of time before it's completely banned. (Man 1: Naturally, we'll have to phase in the ban slowly) (Man 2: Naturally) Once that happens, America will be overrun with morons- twits who otherwise would have died of lung cancer or tongue lesions. (Man 3: Whenever I'm sad and lonely, I turn on the teevee!) (Woman: Birds: They're like little planes!) Medical advances, safety rules and a drop in natural disasters have ended natural selection- emitting the proliferation of imbeciles who are destroying our natural intelligence! Smoking is the only method we still have of thinning out stupid people. Let's keep it! (Man 4: Look! A carton camel! I'm gonna start smoking! I.Q: four) (Man 5: I.Q. 215. American Tobacco: killing 1,100 idiots a day.