Rip Haywire by Dan Thompson for May 21, 2013
Rip: Who lives in this castle, Breezy? Breezy: A outlaw by the name of Tahiti Jones - Rip: Tahiti Jones? No kidding! I tangled with him when I was just starting out. I gave him a scar across his beadiest eye! I wonder if he remembers? Goon: Master, the pirate queen is yours! Why haven't you begun wooing her with all your might? Master: It's this scar! No patch in the world can make up for its hideousness! If it weren't for that Rip Haywire, I'd have 30 wives now, like my brother! And mom would have left the bigger castle to me! Goon: Yes, master, we're all tired of your brother's obnoxious Christmas letters.