Richard's Poor Almanac by Richard Thompson for October 24, 2016
your spring weeding guide woman: die die non-euclidean creeper. hard to remove. ignores the geometry of the space-time continuum common to most yards. man: die die false tea rose. looks & smells exactly like the lovely tea rose. but it's a weed! soon your yard will be covered in it! root it out! tear it up! kill it! granny: die die plant: sproing bamzu. combines the robust unstoppability of kudzu with the hearty imoortality of bamboo. it also attracts zebra mussels. sell your house and get a condo. dude: whoopsie. dilatory bulbvine. also known as your leftover christmas lights. take them down already, it's easter for crying out loud.