Richard's Poor Almanac by Richard Thompson for April 01, 2015
april is national poetry month! here's a famous poem condensed! beowulf in under 90 seconds king: damn. click the monster grendel is ravaging the country, devouring likewise warriors, maidens, mer-chants & passersby, effectively slowing the flow of tourist dollars to a thin trickle, much to the consternation of king hrothgar. whap whap comes the hero beowulf, who slays the monster grendel by pulling his (grendel's) arm clean off & slapping him with it fiercely about the head. beowulf: freeze! beowulf next deals with the monster grendel's mother in a bloody & protracted battle with much potential for cinematic spectacle given the right director (john woo?) & a sufficient budget. the grateful king hrothgar now gives beowulf the hand of his beloved daughter. princess wideload. beowulf opens a hero-themed restaurant where they slaughter the oxen right at your table.