Richard's Poor Almanac by Richard Thompson for January 31, 2013
superbowl special guy: gosh i hate football don't you? let's see what else is on. click tv: next on antique roadrage watch as a panel of short-fused, irritable appraisers eruptp in a frenzy of vio-lence when confronted by greedy nobodies bearing broken, dirty personal effects- guy: no. click tv: welcome to chinwag! where we'll address the issues of the day! more issues that anywhere else! social se-curity! liberals! tainted meat! puppy mills! think of any issue & we're all over it like ugly on an ape- guy: no. click tv: today on blue-in-the-face we'll grab the issues by the lapels & shake them silly! hard issues nobody else will touch, like how can orrin hatch's head get an unrestricted blood flow with those stiff collars he wears- click tv: on open mike slapfest our panel of heavyweight insiders is pumped for some extreme action! they'll get those issues in a choke-hold! a suplex! a scissorhold! a kidney-klutch click guy: no. tv: it's a prattle royale today on prattlemania! no issue will leave this building alive! their own mamas won't recognize these issues without their dental records- click guy: gah. tv: on "mystery!" we present a new cozy english who-done-it, inspector brit in murder by anglophilia. tv: dear miss dorkin's head has been sheared clean off her torso by some sort of gardening implement. i've just found it in the bed of aspidistras. how ghastly. guy: ah.