Pearls Before Swine by Stephan Pastis for March 26, 2017
Rat: It's not fair that we always have death hanging over us. It's this great random unknown. And it's not right. I want to know how I die when I die. Pig: I don't think that's possible. Rat: Well, it is now. Because I've invented the B.M.I. Pig: B.M.I.? Rat: Balloon mortality indicator. You blindfold yourself and throw a dart against that fence. The balloon you hit indicates your fate. Pig: Can I try? Rat: Sure. Goat: Hey, guys, what are you - ohhhh god. Rat: Well, we know how goat dies. Pig: You're right. How eerie.