Jon: A semi-professional beer drinker and professional complainer. He'd be our protagonist if he weren't so unlikeable.
Phillip: A programmer and world-class alcoholic. His interests include beer and additional beer. He is also the founder of the Sporkle Brand Pork and Apple Juice Beverage Company, and inventor of the Overclocked Lemon.
Fish: A goldfish who lives in a glass of beer. He was recently made immortal, so he's got that going for him.
Diablo: A lasped Satanist and a lover of chaos, Diabloís dabblings with the occult have put him in contact with some pretty shady characters.
Toothgnip: Once owned by Thor himself, Toothgnip is a ladies' goat. His seduction technique is legendary.
Neil and Bob: Neil and Bob are aliens who came to Earth for reasons that even they have forgotten. Directionless, they have turned to a life of violence, drunkenness, and sexual debauchery.
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