Ted Rall for October 18, 2003
Studies prove it: Americans vote personality, not issues. Learn what you need to win elected office at Chet's candidate training school. Learn the folksy expressions you need to connect with ordinary voters. I'm as itchy as a centipede with herpes and diaper rash... There! Now I sound poor! Prof. Emeritus Ross Perot. Animal references, scat, diseases. Lose your patrician-sounding name! Howard sounds too "Dean Witter" - Howie Dean gets the NASCAR fans! Look like the perfect drinking buddy! Mind if I join/ vote for you? Are you gay!? Up on Lieberman ranch, we know how many horsepower you need to saw a 40-year-old maple... Do you know what I'm talking about, Sir Gephardt, prince of Wales? "Sir"? Ominous "good 'ol boy" posturing! Lure rival candidates to populist ruin!