Ted Rall for April 27, 2000
He never became a household name, but Tony Lane spent an influential life as one of the nation's biggest assholes. Given that Tony was such a colossal asshole, I agreed to this testimonial in exchange for a substantial payment. Tony elevated assholery to an art form. He married twice, divorced six times and abandoned 112 children in 48 states. I personally will never forget the time he conned me out of my savings in a bizarre money-laundering scheme. When I confronted him (sniff), he hit me in the eye... what an asshole! I know that Tony's a legend and that I shouldn't diss the dead, but Tony gave me herpes by licking my clean dishes. Time's up. Roll the video. I'm dead now, and check it out - I'm the king of the afterlife! God's dead, and I'll kick your ass for eternity! Tipping 10% is not ok! Drive your SUV in hell! I have lung cancer thanks to your smoking! Anthony P. Lane 1944 - 2000 Businessman entrepreneur asshole Please don't leave before filling this spit jar. We'll dump it on Tony's desecrated grave later.