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Matt Bors

Man: You must be having a field day with this election! Man: No shortage of ideas, that's for sure! Man: The jokes practically write themselves, don't they? Man: Prime time satire material right here!

Matt Bors

So, God: what happened with the Rapture? This is, like, your 50th no-show. God: I know. I chickened out on killing everyone. slacker. You used to have such good follow-through on your smiting. God: I Smite! I mean, tornados and earthquakes. Are there more of them lately or am I crazy? God: It just seems like that with cable news. Pretty soon I'm going to stop believing in a vengeful deity bent on destroying all of creation in a fiery apocalypse. God: No, no. Don't give up on me. 2012. Total smite-fest. Ok? Love, God.

Matt Bors

Alabama Reclaims Title Of "Most Racist State" Heavyweight Haters In a stunning comeback victory, Alabama managed to pass an immigration law MORE REPRESSIVE than Arizona. Politician: We been doin' backwards bigotry since before they wuz a state! ¡No Mexicans! The reigning champ for decades 'Bama had fallen behind in recent years. Tim Reed: They were so into hating blacks, they forgot to shift over to immigrant bashing. Tim Reed/ Senior Xenophobe Humbled and motivated, racist Arizonans are training for a rematch. Man: We're prepared to do our own roofing.

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Matt Bors

Introducing the U.S. Ambassador to Libya, PREDATOR DRONE XR-57 Drone: We're not REALLY at war here. I mean, you see any soldiers around? We're remodeling a few places is all. Sprucin' them up. LIBYA TRIPOLI MISRATA Drone: People are all, "You need congressional approval to spruce like that!" Drone: Well, hey: all is far in love and limited humanitarian intervention. FWOOSH

Matt Bors

Some Americans are resorting to crime in order to receive free health care in prison. Inmate #1: What're you in for? Inmate #2: Back pain, mostly. And with the job market the way it is, why not live rent-free for a few years? Inmate #3: I was paying $1,200 a month for this in Frisco - and my roommate was scarier. The prison system is the last place the unemployed can go to live the American dream. Book learnin' Gym membership Recommended daily intake of vegetables LAW Guard: Sure, it's overcrowded. That's because it's so darn popular! PRISON: the secret's out

Matt Bors

Romance Equality Slippery Slopes Gay LOVE State No. 6 10¢ July 2011 Woman: I should be happy...but now I want MORE rights...CRAZIER rights! Who - or WHAT - would she want to marry next? Orangutans? Wallpaper? The definition of marriage...at the mercy of her SICK IMAGINATION!

Matt Bors

FOX & friends Now a complete morning show - just like the REAL networks! Steve Doocy and the sports conspiracy of the mornin'.... Steve Doocy: The METS have Venezuelans on the team - are they battin' for HUGO CHAVEZ? Gretchen Carlson's unverified cooking segment... Gretchen Carlson: We'll be making a souffle from cheez whiz and Ikea allen wrenches. According to Twitter, it's delicious! And Brian Kilmeade with the weather. Brian Kilmeade: We've got a cloud of Israel-hating over Washington and a high chance of Mexicans coming in from the south. 73

Matt Bors

Once-mighty daily newspapers are dying like dogs, unable to make a buck in the Information Age. Man With Glasses: I'm not going to PAY for something I can get at home for FREE! DRUDGE EXACTLY. No self-respecting American would do that...UNLESS it is placed in a clear plastic shell. BOTTLED NEWS Clear Spring POST From the most pristine sources Man: WOW! Woman: Nice label! Bottle a daily rag and people will suddenly want to drop $4.00 on it. Man: You DO realize what a rip-off that is? Woman: I CAN TELL THE DIFFERENCE! Print will be SAVED and loyal readers will SWEAR bottled is better! Man With Glasses: The Times purifies David Brooks with "reverse osmosis." He sucks much less now!

Matt Bors

I spent the month of July working on a comics journalism project in Haiti.... ahhh! Where 600,000 people still live in tent camps. If Haitians can't find work, they have to depend on charity. Matt Bors: Does the government provide any services here? Man: What government? A cell phone company built the street signs... Digicel Rue Gregoire (In the better neighborhoods) And you can build away without bureaucrats meddling in your affairs. Yet a ton of people line up at the U.S. Embassy every morning to get out. Matt Bors: So in the States we have this thing called the TEA PARTY. You'll love this...

Matt Bors

DEM SLOGANS 2012 experienced HOSTAGE Negotiators President Barack Obama: Give him what he wants. FIGHTING for the Workin' Man! A $38,000-a-plate fundraising dinner. Please RSVP. GAYS Now serving openly in our dumb wars! Bald Eagle: You're welcome. Hey look: SARAH PALIN Is THIS what you want? Frankly, you only have TWO CHOICES Donkey: Pull it.
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