Richard's Poor Almanac by Richard Thompson for March 29, 2015
what's new at the zoo? great ape career center. we train our primates in a variety of skills, increasing their options should their habitat vanish. woodworking, welding, garment sewing, etc. our chimps are now typing 120 words a minute! we've gone 18 minutes without an accident keep up the good work! springer monkeys. the most embar-rassing monkey alive! lust, treachery, jealousy, incest, feces-throwing & tacky make-overs! come watch the fur fly! man: eeyick baby snallygaster. step right into the apocryphal mammal house & cast your eyes on "peaches," the 2-week-old fire-spitting, poison-tailed half-eagle part-lizard & one quarter irritable dachsund! no flash flash photos or direct eye contact, please. monster: brup. assimilating bears. they'll try to fit in anywhere! please be sure to count your party as you exit the zoo. i pandas and check out the poetic mole rats rat 1: pandas are cloying. tedious and blah, two-tone fuzzy cuddly cures for in-som-ni-a. rat 2: pandas are boring, all they ever do is couple unsuccessfully and digest their bamboo. rat 3: pandas are tiresome, and they're not real bears, they're practically marsupials, if anybody cares.