Richard's Poor Almanac by Richard Thompson for December 29, 2014
"santa will be available at secure locations for gift consultation with those children who clear our stringent screening process." elf 1: we'll need a urine sample & a statement verifying your niceness signed by a parent or guardian. elf 2: please step between the magic candy canes. santa land santa's workshop santa: ho ho ho. defrost concluded by expressing confidence that "santa is on track to make this the merriest christmas in recent memory." press: i have a question for santa. it's really hard-hitting. tinky: santa is feeding his reindeer and is unavailable for comment thank you for your time. many bystanders were reportedly over-come by feelings of joy & longing. kid 1: i want that thing i saw on tv! kid 2: just bring me a movie tie-in. kid 3: and nothing educational. you hear me? others weren't so sure. man: those damn elves towed my car!