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Richard's Poor Almanac by Richard Thompson for February 07, 2012
your guide to x-mas trees guy: pig! old growth behemoth fir needs a high ceiling. may contain irate earth-firster. longleaf evershed high maintenance. denudes & regenerates hourly. extra-resinous balsam a sap-fancier's delight. hard to pry off of car. carniferous spruce self-sufficient. likes chil-dren. will make do with pets. car freshener somewhat pathetic. and it smells fakey. oop: hey, my sandwich fell apart. sandwich toothpick extremely pathetic yet undeniably festive.