Richard's Poor Almanac by Richard Thompson for June 25, 2011
hot 'n' humid like the eskimos, who supposedly have dozens of words for "snow," d.c. area residents use a varied & colorful vocabulary to describe gradations of "hot & humid." guy 1: muggy guy 2: and how "muggy" - your basic hot & humid day. the atmosphere transmutes to bus exhaust and normally stable objects run like brie. woman: sure is sticky. man: just get me out of here "sticky" - lawn chairs, car seats and underwear become lethally adhesive. spatula sales go through the roof. blam dude: it's a scorcher! "scorcher" - that guy down the block who always jogs no matter what explodes. the tourist evaporation index soars. "stifling" - the air becomes too dense for soundwaves to penetrate. birds get stuck in midair. guy 3: man, it's sweltering! "sweltering" - deep sea volcanic vents pop up in your backyard, attracting creatures only recently discovered by science who thrive on heat and high pressure. one more good reason not to mow your lawn.