Personally, I think my fake horoscopes are better…
ARIES: Gemini heavily involved today.
TAURUS: Avoid things in groups of four.
GEMINI: Aries influential.
CANCER: Chemotherapy heavily involved.
LEO: If this is your sign, milk is a deadly poison for you today. Your local grocery stores have been stocked with cartons of milk contaminated by lethal strains of brucellosis that pasteurization failed to kill.
VIRGO: You will go insane soon. White coats, white coats, whatcha gonna do when they come for you?
LIBRA: If this is your sign, you will be cited for posting it on telephone poles in violation of a local ordinance.
SCORPIO: Gemini, Leo heavily involved. With each other.
SAGITTARIUS: Your front lawn needs mowing, but your backyard is all right.
CAPRICORN: You will become wealthy soon, if your first name begins with the number eight.
AQUARIUS: Ralph, I know you are reading this. You will flirt with my wife at a party tomorrow night. Cut it out that second, you jerk!
PISCES: You will disregard your horoscope today.
Your lucky love days are: January 7, June 22, and November 20. In 1724.
“Saying I’m fat”? Are you saying I have green hair that nobody knows about because I’ve worn a hat since before I was born??!!