Based on some people I know, if man is created in God’s image, God must be a goofy looking son of a gun.
All the girls at my High School were bisexual. If I mentioned sex, they said “Bye.”
You have to be smarter than the phone.
Alcohol-free beer is like making love in a canoe. It’s f***ing near water.
“A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That’s why you always feel smarter after a few beers.”
As explained by Cliff Clavin to Norm Peterson on Cheers.
But Li’l Abner got the last job as a mattress tester.
That should still be the punishment for cruelty to animals.
Mosquitoes, proof there was no “Intelligent Design” to the Universe. Of course, you could say the same thing about the French.
Got anything in the bacon family?
Contradictory terms – jumbo shrimp, military intelligence, Congressional ethics, journalistic integrity, liberal tolerance, Republican leadership.