American football. Twelve and a half minutes of action packed into 4 hours.
Team A scores touchdown – cut to commercial.
Team A kicks point after – cut to commercial.
Team A kicks off and it’s a touchback – cut to commercial.
Team B attempts pass – the ruling on the field is a completed pass – play is challenged – cut to commercials.
Ten minutes and a split Supreme Court decision later, the ruling on the field stands.
Meanwhile the play is shown over and over again.
Team B scores a touchdown – play is called back due to a holding penalty – cut to commercial.
Team B has an injured player – after showing gruesome footage of the player’s leg being bent into a pretzel-like configuration – cut to commercial.
Return to scene at the field. While awaiting the medical crew to scrape the injured player off the field with a spatula, commentators bring up obscure statistics about how the home team usually scores an average of 3.6 points in the last two minutes of play in games on Thursday night under a full moon when the temperature is above freezing.
The injured player is removed from the field and referees meet for four minutes to figure out where to spot the ball and how much time is left on the clock. Head referee spends another three minutes explaining the infield fly rule or whatever other justification was used to make the call.
Team B lines up to kick a field goal – calls time out to stop the clock – cut to commercial.
Team B lines up to kick a field goal – Team A calls a time out to “ice” the kicker – cut to commercial.
Field goal is kicked – cut to commercial
Kickoff is a touchback – cut to commercial
Two minute – warning – cut to commercial.
Two minutes and thirty-two seconds of playing time has elapsed, meanwhile the smoke alarm has been going off for 30 minutes as dinner is burning in the oven.
And that is how the exciting game of American Football is played.
Aug 12, 2016