Doonesbury

The only child of B.D. and Boopsie, Samantha was born in the emergency room during her parents' wedding. Growing up on the shores of Malibu, she spent quality time in a backpack while her highway patrolman dad pulled over speeders. From toddlerhood until high school Sam was nannied by virtual family member Zonker Harris.
 

Phred carried on a family tradition of fighting Western imperialists in the 1968 Tet offensive and 1972 siege of Quang Tri. Once considered the top terrorist in Cu Chi province, he became a winemaker, souvenir shop owner, teacher, and UN ambassador. Now he is a “director” for Vietnam and a beach resort cofounder.

As the president of Walden College, an East Coast hotbed of student unrest, President King creatively handled difficult situations from student occupations during the Black Panther trial and a popular “safe sex” program to the creation of a Glossary of Forbidden Speech and a mandatory straight-A policy.  

B.D.’s buddy Ray Hightower was with him through multiple wars and power-war life—first in SoCal after the first Gulf War, and then after Operation Iraqi Freedom, when Ray was blown up 19 times and came home suffering from PTSD.

The despicable, oft-married, and morally compromised Jim Andrews was the president of Universal Petroleum who recruited Duke for a black ops mission to reopen the oil fields in Iran. Implicated in the Enron scandal, Andrews was forced to abandon his fourth trophy wife and flee to the Cayman Islands. 

An original resident of Walden Commune, Bernie used his passion for chemistry to explore the morphing arts. Post-college, his software skills led to an extremely lucrative career as the founder of Bernie’s Byte Shack. Now a successful venture capitalist, his recent projects include a celebrity GPS voice app called aLIST. 

Raised an only child after his brother went to college, Benjamin “Benjy” Doonesbury became a bitter punk rocker named Sal Putrid and reluctantly attended Walden, where he became safe-sex rep Dr. Whoopee. The national brand ultimately boasted Trump Tower offices, high-end boutiques, and a popular sex-ed TV talk show.

A longtime operative, Agent Havoc played a key role in coordinating the Contras’ efforts in Nicaragua. Shortly after 9/11, Havoc re-emerged as the CIA station chief in Feyzabad, Afghanistan. For several years Havoc served as the CIA’s primary contact with Afghan President Karzai. His current whereabouts are unknown.

New Jersey stockbroker Phil Slackmeyer saw nothing but failure in his longhaired lefty son, Mark. Phil tried a bit of government work and stints in minimum security prison and as PR head for R.J. Reynolds. Numerous heart attacks and trophy wives followed until his death in 2002.

When B.D. met ace helicopter mechanic Melissa Wheeler, she was seeking help as a victim of military sexual trauma. Witnessing Mel's pain and healing helped B.D. with his own. After a perilous second deployment in Afghanistan, Mel’s final obstacle is her father’s reluctance to hear the truth of her story. 

One of few undergrads of color on campus in Mike's day, uber-activist Calvin brokered an agreement with President King to avoid on-campus violence during a major rally. A visit to Mark’s father's golf club one summer revealed that Calvin was not welcome there, but he is a welcome member of B.D.'s legendary football squad.

SPC Leo Deluca (Toggle) was a young headbanger in B.D.’s unit whose Humvee was blown up. Missing an eye and suffering from aphasia, Toggle fights to recover from traumatic brain injury (TBI) while pursuing an undergrad degree and recording industry career. Toggle married MIT techie Alex Doonesbury; they have three children.

At Walden College, Michael J. Doonesbury founded Walden Commune. After graduation, he married J.J., got into advertising, and had a daughter, Alex. Next, Mike turned to marketing and married Gen-X coder Kim Rosenthal. Along with Alex, they started a short-lived software company. 

J.J. Caucus reconciled with her absentee mother and married her mom’s old friend, Michael J. Doonesbury. Her brief performance art career led to taxi driving. Nanny Zonker Harris helped her survive being a mom until she ditched her unemployed adman for ex-flame Zeke Brenner. New art led to a MacArthur “Genius” award.

Roland Burton Hedley III spent 20 years covering presidential campaigns and major conflicts for ABC’s “Wide World of News.” Briefly chief content provider and portal correspondent for AOL-Time-Warner-CNN-Yap!com, Hedley became a White House correspondent and since 2017 served as Trump Tweets Bureau Chief for Fox News.

A founding Walden Commune member, Zonker Harris rose to prominence on the pro tanning circuit and in a series of skin cancer public service ads. An inheritance led him to buy an English title and Uncle Duke’s freedom from zombified slavery. He had a few real jobs, including as nanny to Samantha, and now sells ZZ Bud.

Walden Commune alumnus Mark Slackmeyer became “Megaphone Mark” as a campus activist and created an influential radio program during Watergate. Mark is the only major FM disc jockey to have outed himself on the air. He and his partner—Chase Talbott III—appeared together for years on NPR until their bitter breakup. 

Mr. Butts, the figment of adman Mike Doonesbury’s imagination, is a walking, talking rebuke to common sense. He’s a spokesproduct for the tobacco industry known for perjuring himself before Congress and for his work with children. He recovered from a bout of depression to become a Gucci Gulch lobbyist.

Joanie Caucus left a bad marriage to join Walden Commune then attended law school and married reporter Rick Redfern. The Justice Department attorney returned to private practice, bonded with granddaughter Alex on Elizabeth Warren’s Senate campaign, and is a harsh taskmaster as son Jeff attempts to save his writing career.

Barbara Ann Boopstein was once "the drinking man's Meryl Streep." Her B-list superstar status is secure, and her bit-mapped and scanned body still generates royalties from various media. Boopsie was the family’s rock during B.D.’s recovery and struggle with PTSD. More change is coming as daughter Sam contemplates college. 

In the late '60s, Rev. Scot Sloan was an inspiring social activist. When the denizens of Walden Commune graduated, Rev. Sloan turned it into a sanctuary for Central American refugees then a community church. The activities now are more social than liturgical, but Sloan performs wedding ceremonies for many of his friends. 

Rick Redfern is known for his long career as a hard-hitting investigative reporter for the Washington Post and is married to Joanie Caucus. Rick became a blogger after losing his job with WaPo and suffered the indignity of his son, Jeff, striking bestseller gold. Rick now writes for the Huffington Post.

A fixture in the Los Angeles entertainment community, super-agent Sid Kibbitz represented Duke in negotiations for the Delorean project and paid special attention to the career of Barbara Ann Boopstein, landing her numerous roles. Mr. Kibbitz is also a fully ordained minister in the Christian Order of Immaculate Pacifism.

Zipper found minor glory as a receiver on the Walden College football team and was co-founder, along with roommate Jeff Redfern, of myVulture.com. In the wake of Colorado’s pot legalization, Zipper joined Uncle Zonker and moved to Duke’s chateau in Woody Creek to market a limited-edition product under the brand name ZZ Bud.

Alice was a seamstress in Manhattan's garment district before spending 15 years on the streets perfecting her urban camping and panhandling abilities. Congresswoman Lacey Davenport, mistaking Alice for her long-dead sister, left her estate to Alice, but Alice's unhinged husband Elmont blew it all day-trading.

An orphan airlifted out of Vietnam in 1973, Kim Rosenthal walked out on a computer science PhD at MIT to become a Gen-X hacker. While at Bernie's Byte Shack, Kim met Mike Doonesbury, a geek elder and divorced father of one. They eventually united in marriage and business along with Mike’s mega-coder daughter, Alex.

Honey Huan’s career includes working as president of Baby Doc College of Physicians, for Dr. Whoopee condom company, and as social director of Donald Trump’s yacht. Husband-of-convenience Duke rescued her from repercussions of the Tiananmen Square uprising, and she hatched many schemes with Duke before ditching him.

For decades, rock star James Ray Thudpucker has been a legend. He first topped the charts in the late ’60s, recorded double and triple platinum records, and appeared on the cover of Rolling Stone. After retiring and going to college, he remade himself as a country singer, Vietnamese oldies crooner, and ring tone artist. 

For years, Zeke Brenner was caretaker of Duke’s Colorado ranch. When Duke went missing in Iran, Zeke profited off his employer’s notoriety then managed to burn the ranch to the ground. Zeke’s employment was over when Duke returned and shot him. A chance reunion with former love J.J. led to adultery and eventually marriage. 

Prominent in the Washington, D.C., homeless community, Elmont is best known as the band leader and sax player for Elmont and the Dumpster Divers. Elmont is often taken for a raving madman, but he was sane enough to marry Alice P. Schwartzman and twice served as NPR’s floor reporter at the Democratic National Convention. 

Alex Doonesbury was born in real time on cable TV and cared for by nanny Zonker Harris before her parents J.J. and Mike split up and she moved to Seattle with her dad. She became a pre-teen hacker aggressively acquiring intellectual assets of failed dotcoms before she attended MIT. She and husband Toggle have three kids.

A conservative pundit and commentator, Chase Talbot III met his future husband Mark Slackmeyer while arguing with him as a guest on his NPR talk radio program. After years of bliss, the two broke up live on air. Denied formal marriage status in pre-equality times, they could not formally divorce.

A precocious hustler since childhood, Earl discovered he was Duke’s son while a resident of Nothin’ But Orphans. Duke took Earl for his first tattoo at age nine. Other bonding experiences included a stolen Beanie Baby operation, work as bounty hunters, and K Street lobbying on behalf of numerous despots and dictators.

Jeff Redfern cofounded myVulture.com with college roommate Zipper Harris. As a CIA summer intern in Afghanistan, he accidentally took out an Al-Qaeda ammo dump with a Hellfire missile. Bestselling author of “The Red Rascal” series, he bought and lost a mansion and now struggles with writer’s block in his parents’ basement.

College football star, Vietnam Vet, third-string pro quarterback, Gulf War reservist, highway patrol officer. B.D. has worn many helmets. He and wife Barbara Ann Boopstein met at Walden Commune and had daughter Samantha. B.D. lost a leg in the second Gulf War and struggled with PTSD. Now he’s the Walden football coach.

“Uncle” Duke, a D.C. lobbyist with son Earl, has a record that includes American Samoa governor, China ambassador, Washington Redskins GM, NRA lobbyist, hostage, college of medicine founder, zombified slave, condom company and Club Scud owner, presidential candidate, and trafficker of drugs, Beanie Babies, and stem cells.