Tom the Dancing Bug by Ruben Bolling for September 28, 2002
Tom the Dancing Bug by Ruben Bolling Presents: News of the Times U.S. to Bomb Antarctica Desperately trying to find an enemy acceptable to U.S. citizens and allies, the BUSH ADMINISTRATION has shifted its military attention to ANTARCTICA, a frozen, unpopulated continent it now asserts MUST be BOMBED. Insiders say that identifying a post-9/11 target has not been easy. Man: Focus groups responded favorably to the fact that Antarctica forces could inflict NO U.S. causalities and the region won't be destabilized. It's also helpful that Antarctica looks absolutely NOTHING like Vietnam. Man: And our goal is CLEAR: bomb the bejesus out of it and get out! No ground troops. No nation-building. CONDOLEEZZA RICE Condoleezza: I term this a TACTICAL PREEMPTIVE RETRIBUTIVE STRIKE. Plus it looks really COOL when a 2,000 lb. JDAM bomb hits an ice shelf! DICK CHENEY Dick: There's also a false report that Antarctica was involved in 9/11. Voice: But...it's a FALSE report! Dick: Nevertheless, it DOES exist. The fiery rhetoric of a Dutch marine biochemist at an Antarctic research station seemed intended to provoke America's ire. Biochemist: They're what? Bombing?! But...why? Happily, the bombing will commence as soon as CNN has finalized it's theme song and logo. Host #1: How about "Take-Down in the Tundra"? Host #2: Hmm...or "Operation Cold Shoulder." Host #3: Or "Snow Job"?
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