Tom the Dancing Bug by Ruben Bolling for July 24, 1999

Transcript:

a message from america: 3999 ad. greetings, americans of the past. we americans of the future find your method of choosing political leaders laughable! in our advanced system, both political parties scientifically determine the national consensus on all issues. therefore, they both always have identical platforms. we are for tax rebates for robot-clones. we came out for tax rebates for robot clones 45 minyes ago! the substance of the debate thus becomes the style of the campaign. and so, we believe 'responsibly compassionate' is the ideal slogan. nonsense! 'compassionately responsible' is far superior! to ensure ease of comparison, both candidates are required to give the same stump speech. in this way, crucial elements of charisma are revealed. and so, my fellow americans... i like the way his lip quivered there! uh-oh! sweat on the brow... so the contest boils down to brand loyalty and image-making, which is why campaigns are really won and lost at the fund-raising level. yes... i must give you money... wow! what a telepath! he'll be a great leader! with this system, we know with scientific certainty that the right choice has been made. we won! we, and not they, shall preside over the enactment of consensus-driven legislation!