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Matt Bors

President Barack Obama: Andrew Breitbart has been taken out. Time to roll out my MASTER PLAN... President Barack Obama: Govern as a moderate for years, win reelection, and THEN swiftly ignite a thousand-year race war. SURPRISE! Man: SIR! Problem: there's a video out showing that you hugged a black college professor many years ago. Zombie Malcolm X: That is silly and irrelevant. One does not simply...discern a man's politics from viewing a HUG. President Barack Obama: Excellent point, Zombie Malcolm X.

Matt Bors

Campaign Swag Yours FREE with a modest donation! The Family Values "Mitt" ROMNEY 2008 For childbearing housewives who want to support their husband's voting choice. Hillary Clinton's "Freedom Breather," as seen in her latest campaign ad. Hillary Clinton: NO DUST! NO FUSS! The Giuliani $9.11 Bill 9.11 9.11 Giuliani Will be accepted currency in Iran by 2013! Obama's Optimistic Bumper Stickers got hope? My other car runs on the politics of personal destruction The Fred Thompson Human Patty Paperweight. All the excitement of the campaign brought right to your desk!

Matt Bors

Barack Obama's soaring rhetoric can be hard to follow. Barack Obama: Over the river and through the woods to grandmother's house of hope we go. But it was crucial in securing the endorsement of a key family - THE CARE BEARS. Care Bear: We share Obama's desire to end PARTISAN BICKERING! Like Obama, the lovable teddies want to move beyond the politics of old when arguments hurt people's feelings. Pundit: It's also a nod to the nostalgia-obsessed college youth Obama relies on for votes. They'll have an important role to play in bringing anti-hope Republicans on board with progressive legislation without being MEAN. Care Bear: OBAMA STARE! Politician: Must resist...Cheer Bear's...lobbying love ray.

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Matt Bors

Trailing in delegates, Hillary Clinton has made an appeal to reason. Hillary Clinton: Who do you TRUST to answer the White House phone at 3 A.M.? Curiously, foreigners do not sleep when Americans do. Leaving important events to occur while we dream. Us, asleep Them, plotting terror Appointing a good low-level public servant to answer the RED DANGER PHONE during the night shift is a big worry of voters. Hillary has promised to appoint the experienced NED FLETCHER, a veteran operator from Omaha. Ned: I answer phones. It's what I DO. Is Obama too inexperienced to answer phones at 3 A.M.? Hillary Clinton: He'd probably record a hopeful message and call them back in the morning! HA HA HA Or does this point out how Clinton is stuck in "old-style politics?" Barack Obama: No one answers PHONES anymore! I sleep with a red Blackberry! Crowd: OOOOOOOO!

Matt Bors

Obama's faithful supporters, the Care Bears, spread hope and cheer all year. But now they're bummed by his move to the center. Pink Care Bear: I thought he transcended politics...race...gender... Orange Care Bear: CARBON-BASED LIFE FORMS! HOPE Barack Obama: I'm BLACK, you idiots! Forget CHANGE! I've got to appeal to rednecks if I want to win! And so the new street team is introduced to get out the vote. Barack Obama: FLAG BEAR! FAITH BEAR! And BEAR ARMS BEAR! But imitating the right wing never works on folks who want the real thing. Man: Honey, there's a GAY BEAR with a GUN at the door. Wife: SHOOT IT IN THE FACE!

Matt Bors

Dept. Of Obligatory Michael Jackson Commentary Al Sharpton has credited Michael Jackson with the election of BARACK OBAMA, since buying "THRILLER" made white people more comfortable with black guys. CLEARLY! But let's not ignore the crucial role Jackson's abusive father played in presidential politics. Joe Jackson: If I hadn't forced little MJ to perform, JOHN MCCAIN would be president! Thriller! And then there's CHER, her 1968 album "Backstage" was a bomb, dooming Hillary's campaign. Hillary Clinton: I would have had more female fans in CRUCIAL PRIMARY STATES! CRACK! In the end, the youth vote should be credited entirely to PRINCE. Prince: It was MY sexy jams that caused their conception. NEXT: P-Funk's effect on voter apathy!

Matt Bors

A Florida urologist is so upset about health care reform, he's telling patients to piss off. If you voted Obama... Seek urologic care elsewhere! Real Sign He's not REFUSING care, mind you. Just intimidating people with liberal urethras. Urologist: You've got kidney stones, A.K.A. little Pelosis. He cites an oft-ignored passage in the Hippocratic Oath. God: Should a DEMO-CRAT pass health care reform, forget I said ANYTHING! His politics even seem to be based on urology. Urologist: I'm a big fan of trickle-down.

Matt Bors

News Anchor: TONIGHT: Mel Gibson's insane rantings were posted on some website. We'll air the juicy bits! News Anchor: After that, rumors and rampant speculation on a MISSING CHILD. He's dead, right? So who killed him? ???? News Anchor: Then on to POLITICS, where two hacks will be permitted to spew propaganda for ten minutes. Preferably while shouting. News Anchor: But first, the unethical journalism of WikiLeaks.

Matt Bors

Money and Ethics In Politics Cable news host donates money to democrats: CONFLICT OF INTEREST. NBC's WORST Person Corporations dumping cash anonymously into front groups: Corporate Man: SACRED FREE SPEECH! Citizens For Children And Liberty Politician accepts $10 lunch from lobbyist at that great pho noodle place downtown: Man: IN THE POCKET OF THE FAT CAT ELITE!! THROW THE BUMS OUT! Lobbyist writes laws but splits the bill... Lobbyist: He had the tater tots. Tuesday. Violating Son of Sam laws with your memoir: A-OK! George W. Bush: And I didn't even suspendiate those! Decision Points George W. Bush

Matt Bors

Woman #1: I'm excited about a woman leading the country. It's her politics I don't like. Woman #2: I'm tired of the negativity. Don't let the perfect be the enemy of the good! Woman #2: She's the only one with a real plan to get things done. Woman #2: Don't worry. Thatcher will be great.
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