Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal by Zach Weinersmith for March 01, 2016
Whoa! A magic lamp! Huh. It's made of unadorned wood. Who are you?! I am Calvinist genie. You may have three wishes. Ooh! I wish fo- If you work very hard every day of your life, your grandchildren may be granted those wishes, provided that they too engaged in ceaseless toil. If you live to see your grandchildren it's because you did not work hard enough. Will I go to heaven then? That's up to God. Your actions are irrelevant. That said, talking to a genie is probably a bad sign. Goddammit. That's strike two, Buddy.