Ripley's Believe It or Not by Ripley’s Believe It or Not! for July 31, 2022

  1. Another pic of chi  in need of a shave   3 3 2015
    Chihal  4 months ago

    A poster’s note is due here: I didn’t dream up any of tonight’s jokes, but after web-searching with a certain word, I cherry-picked a few.

    I was installing a light in the attic today, when I slipped off a joist and put my foot right through the bedroom ceiling. It scared the bejesus out of my girlfriend.

    I’m not surprised though; she kicked me out last August

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  2. Another pic of chi  in need of a shave   3 3 2015
    Chihal  4 months ago

    What’s the difference between a Northern and a Southern fairy-tale?

    A Northern fairy-tale begins “Once upon a time…”

    A Southern fairy-tale begins, “Y’all ain’t gonna believe this s**t…”
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  3. Another pic of chi  in need of a shave   3 3 2015
    Chihal  4 months ago

    Here’s more proof that we Jews appreciate graveyard humor:

    Hitler is sitting in h**l with Stalin and Satan, chatting.

    Satan asks them if either of them have any regrets.

    Hitler: You know, I do.

    Stalin and Satan: Really?!?

    Hitler: Yeah, you know if I could do it all over again, I’d kill 6 million Jews and a bicyclist.

    Satan: What?

    Stalin: Why a bicyclist?

    Hitler: See! I told you no one gives a s**t about the Jews!

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  4. Another pic of chi  in need of a shave   3 3 2015
    Chihal  4 months ago

    A man dies and goes to h**l.

    Satan meets him and tells him he’s got to pick between 2 rooms.

    They go into the first room, and it’s full of people standing on their heads on a marble floor.

    Then Satan takes him to the second room, and it’s full of people sitting in an 18-inch deep layer of s**t, drinking coffee.

    The man figured that he likes coffee, and he’ll get used to the smell, so he chooses the second room. He gets a cup of coffee, sits down and takes a sip.

    At that moment, Satan sticks his head back in the room and calls out, “Ok, everybody. Coffee break’s over. Back on your heads!”

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  5. Another pic of chi  in need of a shave   3 3 2015
    Chihal  4 months ago

    Two hunters are shooting the breeze.

    The first one says, "Once I was in Africa and I was I feel something is behind me, so I turn around and see a huge lion right behind me.

    “So I start running, but it was getting closer and closer. Just when it just about to get me the lion suddenly slipped and fell on the ground, letting me escape."

    “That’s all you’re saying?” the second hunter mockingly asks. "How the devil didn’t you s**t yourself, mate?”

    The first hunter replies, “What do you think the lion slipped on?”

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    Chihal  4 months ago

    Why don’t blind people go skydiving?

    It scares the heck out of their dogs.

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    jasonsnakelover  4 months ago

    But that won’t stop people from wanting singles and other denominations of bills. One time I had two dollars.

    May the Lord be with you as He is with me.

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    stevesilver48  4 months ago

    I’m surprised more people in the ‘80s didn’t get sick from sticking rolled up dollar bills up their noses. Actually studio pianist Nicky Hopkins who you’ve heard on many Stones songs said he got HepC from a nasty straw. Think about exchanging mucus with a stranger.

    Remember. You can pick your friends and you can pick your nose but you can’t pick your friend’s nose.

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    stevesilver48  4 months ago

    Now then. Hey now, Ripley’s Believe It Or Not! Comic Fans. Speaking of songs from Tuco’s neck of the woods, check this happy little song out! And now, welcome to the 3rd set of musical quips from celebrities.

    “Jazz isn’t dead. It just smells funny.”Frank Zappa

    “Australia’s gift to insomniacs. The blonde singing the bland.”Minnie Riperton

    “All music is folk music. I ain’t never heard a horse sing a song.”Louis Armstrong

    “I’m sick to death of people saying we’ve made 11 albums that sound exactly the same. In fact, we’ve made 12 albums that sound exactly the same.” Angus Young, AC/DC

    “If I didn’t do music well, I just wouldn’t have anything to do… I can’t cook, and I’d be a terrible housewife.” Freddie Mercury

    “I don’t have a drinking problem, ’cept when I can’t get a drink.”Tom Waits

    “I don’t deserve a Songwriters Hall Of Fame Award. But 15 years ago, I had a brain operation and I didn’t deserve that, either. So I’ll keep it!” Quincy Jones

    “If you wanted to torture me, you’d tie me down and force me to watch our first five videos.” Jon Bon Jovi

    “I don’t perform. Seals perform.” Morrissey

    “Get up from that piano. You hurtin’ its feelings.” Jelly Roll Morton

    Ouch! BA DUMP BUMP!. Silver. Out!

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    Kevin @ 32179 Premium Member 4 months ago

    NOTICE TO ALL: Please check your wallets, purses, mattresses, coffee cans, etc and send me all your paper money. I will scrub the microorganisms off of it and return it to you after I cleanse it for you! Oh yeah…..don’t forget to send a return address in the box.

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    pearlsbs  4 months ago

    That’s why it’s called filthy lucre.

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    Храм С.О.Д. (Templo S.U.D. ucraniano)  4 months ago

    how old of a human brain from which to count 3,000 years’ worth of neurons?

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    Charlie Fogwhistle  4 months ago

    Pizza jokes are tough…

    Because it’s all about the delivery!!

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    Charlie Fogwhistle  4 months ago

    A man returned to the U.S. after a trip abroad feeling very ill.

    He goes to see his doctor and is immediately rushed to the hospital to undergo a barrage of extensive tests. He’s negative for COVID, Ebola, Malaria, and pretty much all the recognizable infectious diseases.

    The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone by his bed rings.

    “This is your doctor. We’ve got the results back from your battery of tests, and we’ve found you have an extremely nasty and rare virus that is highly contagious and is frequently fatal.”

    “Oh my gosh,” cries the man. He’s in a panic now. “What are you going to do, Doctor?”

    “Well, we’re going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and quesadillas.”

    “Will that cure me?” asked the man hopefully.

    The doctor replied, “No… but it’s the only food we can slide under the door.”

    One more? Why not.

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    Charlie Fogwhistle  4 months ago

    My girlfriend and I bought a pizza to share and she got mad because I ate half.

    Granted, it was the TOP half, but still…

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    Charlie Fogwhistle  4 months ago

    I guess I should have said “2 more” a few minutes ago.

    What is the difference between an aspiring musician and a large pizza?

    A large pizza can actually feed a family of 4.

    Until next time.

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    David_the_CAD  4 months ago

    Well there are a few brains out there that won’t take so long to count.

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    Charlie Fogwhistle  4 months ago

    Pizza jokes are entirely too tame. Here’s one last joke with some meat to it.

    A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard.

    The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, “Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole.”

    The grandfather replies, “I’ll bet you five dollars you can’t. It’s too wiggly and limp to put back in that tiny hole.”

    The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. The boy then proceeds to slip the dying worm back into the hole.

    The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the boy another five dollars.

    The little boy says, “Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars.”

    The grandfather replies, “I know. That’s from Grandma.”

    Until next time.

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    A Common 'tator  4 months ago

    We’ve long had a service of seed exchange… Once I’ve taken all the salad, fruit and veg from my potager… I let the rest “go to seed”… I collect the seeds and exchange them with other like-minded gardeners… for plants I don’t have…

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    oakie817  4 months ago

    you could count all the neurons of brains in Washington in 3000 seconds…and i’m also covered in hundreds of species of microorganisms

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    Tuco  4 months ago

    WOW, you guys are really on a roll today! Great stuff

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    Huckleberry Hiroshima  4 months ago

    So don’t count the neurons then. Sheesh, do we have to tell you everything? Count Dracula instead. lol, etc…

    Take care, may famed Sunday late sleeper Margaret “Tee Hee I Put An M-80 In The Radio So When The Alarm Goes Off It’ll Be Squelched And Silenced By The Explosion And I’ll Get To Sleep Longer” Dorkord be with you, and gesundheit.

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    theincrediblebulk  4 months ago

    I guess i live in a building full of germaphobes who know about all the organisms on our money. i find a $20 or a $50 in the washing machine or dryer in my apartment building at least once a month.

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    dpatrickryan Premium Member 4 months ago

    I’ve had Margherita pizza at Brandi in Naples, the actual restaurant that invented it. It’s really good.

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    e.groves  4 months ago

    Tulsa libraries have a seed exchange.

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    largeungulate  4 months ago

    But the fiver is bacteria free

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    AlienHillbilly  4 months ago

    Apparently, the current currency exchange rate is $1.00 = ☠1,000,000

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    heathcliff2  4 months ago

    A conspiracy to discourage people from eating, wanting money, enjoying plants and thinking.

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    Charlie Fogwhistle  4 months ago

    A man walks into a brain store to buy a new brain. He goes to the clerk and says

    “Hello, I’d like to purchase a new brain”.

    The clerk replies with “Sure, here are some of our brains we have on sale: first, here’s the brain of a physicist, 5 dollars; then here’s our second deal for today. The brain of an anti-vaxxer, 10,000 dollars”.

    The man, completely confused, asks “Why is the brain of an anti-vaxxer more expensive than that of a physicist?”

    “Because it’s never been used”, the clerk replies.

    You could use “flat-Earther” also, if that’s your target audience.

    Until next time.

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    mindjob  4 months ago

    Great comments today, no condescending lectures, no boring diatribes, no ego-driven rants

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    Teto85 Premium Member 4 months ago

    Coins can at least be washed. So glad to have a pocketful of Loonies and Toonies for times when plastic won’t do.

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    monkeysky  4 months ago

    If you think 3000 years is a long time, counting the number of synapses would take over 10000 times longer

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    moosemin  4 months ago

    3,000 years? It would make some difference if the brain belonged to a Lib or a Nazi.

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    tee929  4 months ago

    Start with the Dumpster’s brain and be done before lunch!

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    tee929  4 months ago

    In the 1980’s and ’90’s, you couldn’t find a $20, $50 or $100 bill in Miami that didn’t have traces of coke on them—some banks required staff to use rubber gloves in their vaults.

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    WCraft Premium Member 4 months ago

    The ingredients in the pizza served to the queen were the colors of the Italian flag: Yellow water buffalo cheese, red tomato sauce, and green basil

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    alexonnet  4 months ago

    I was worried that pizza was named for the drink used in it!

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    MattDingleberry  4 months ago

    How fast are we counting those neurons?

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    JanBic Premium Member 4 months ago

    The “paper” used for money is a combination of cotton and linen. The ink is a permanent pigment. Money washes extremely well as anyone knows who has had bills go through the washer. It can be ironed dry. This has the advantage of getting the wrinkles out for use in vending machines.

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